Me *drooling
It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.
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[invention of fish net stockings]
fisherman 1: Help! I got caught in the fish net!
fisherman 2: is it just me or is dave looking a little … hot?
fisherman 3: no dave is definitely being hot rn
RT if you are my car keys and I can’t find you
“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon
Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?
When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.
Me: Bob, it’s pronounced CHANGING, not a-changin’.
Bob Dylan: ?
Me: Can someone teach Bob to say CHANGE?
*David Bowie stands up*
Me: Not you
Things I’ve learned in life
1. Never tickle a stranger at a bar or at the urinal.2….
That’s it. Just don’t tickle people you don’t know
When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?
I just found a marshmallow Santa in my desk drawer, I’m guessing I shouldn’t eat it.
*wipes chocolate from mouth
The worst part about being a grown man is no one will give you piggyback rides.
i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them
my fitness device congratulated me on “playing ice hockey” and told me i burned 300 calories over the past 20 minutes.
i was eating a Wendy’s baconator.
I don’t get marriage
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into the volcano
king: how would that help
advisor: [throwing stephen in] help what
Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.
[Sound of sellotape ripping]
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
Nothing freaks me out like when I’m ordering from a Chinese restaurant and I ask “What kind of meat is that?” and they answer “yes”
Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.
BFF: You better be dying calling me at 2 AM.
Me: This is important! If Kim Possible marries Ron Stoppable and take his last name does that change her ability to do anything?
BFF: I hate you.
Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad
3: mom I did a jump
Me: it was great
3: mom I did a jump
M: you did
3: mom I did a
M: jump yes
3: mom I did a
M: [jumps out window] me too
Have you tried growling until they back away slowly?
Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
[at a party]
*taps wife’s shoulder*
I’ve looked everywhere…where are all the swings?
(wife pulls away from kissing Bob)
“What?”
Mr. Potato Head was an only child in spite of being made by Hasbro.
One of my worst typos at work… my missing O in hello. Hell there! Kind of changes the niceness of the message. There’s more unfortunately
Instead of cursing and swearing when someone cuts me off in traffic, I just yell lyrics from Spice Girl songs out the window
Me: ‘Alcohol only kills the weakest brain cells.’
Also Me: *parks car in neighbor’s driveway*
Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.