99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.

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[Pharrell eating at Arby’s]
“I want a new look”
Like a new hair cut?
“Something crazier”
*notices the hat in the Arby’s logo*
“I’ve got it!”


me: I was mugged by a snake

cop: was he armed?

me: *long pause* no


When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways


Me: Where the hell are you going with those balloons?
4yr: I need to wee!
Me: With balloons?!
4yr: Its so much fun to wee with balloons


robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest


Give a man a fish and he’ll say “Sir put that back in the tank.” Teach a man to fish and he’ll say “ok pal, it’s time you left the aquarium”


If your dog doesn’t have a middle name how will they know when you’re mad at them when you call them?


Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now