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Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
Her: so yeah i’m a palaeontologist, it means i know a lot about dinosaurs basically, do you have a favourite dinosaur?
Me: *visibly sweating* umm…umm…REPTAR.
Her: …
Me: …
Her: …like…like from rugrats?
Me: …he had a wagon
[airport security]
*BEEP*
Ma’am, step through again
*BEEP*
Nice try pal, I’m not removing my Slayer shirt
Ma’am, please it’s too much metal
I’m not calling anyone daddy unless I’m asking for money for the mall.
Show yourself some self-love.
No. Not in public.
“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.
[yelling into desk phone] I’ve got Giacomo Bologna on the banana shortage
GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge?
ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people
TSA guy searched my bag. Found my idol light sticks.
Him: “The hell are these? Mini Yoda lightsabers?
Me: “Oh they’re just light sticks. For concerts and stuff.”He then fucking leaned in and did a Yoda voice.
“MMH. MASTER RAVER, I AM.” He said.
Blindsided me.
For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31
accurate
Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back
you guys HAVE to try the golden retriever in springfield. it is soooo good
my bf just said “you’re one of the most beautiful women ive ever laid eyes on” ummmmmm… im sorry… ONE OF!!??!?
Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.
[3 AM]
5yo: *sobbing* Daddy
Me: Ughhh..yes, sweetheart, what’s wrong?
5yo: I’m lonely…
Me: Then, don’t ever get married.
5yo: Ok, Daddy.
Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better
My friend got a job at the dry cleaners but he got stressed out because he always mixed up the orders and kept upsetting the customers.
So the boss sent him to do a course in hanger management.
If a malevolent demon is watching you sleep, simply go to Settings > General > Privacy > Malevolent Demon Who Watches You Sleep (Deactivate)
*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*
The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.
When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.
I met a young fashion designer earlier, and it wasn’t long before I was in the bedroom ripping her clothes off.
I love counterfeiting stuff
[first date]
DATE: so you love dogs?
ME: yes, I relate to them very much
DATE: aww that’s swee-
[a fly buzzes my head and I try to bite it]
It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.
Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.
Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.
A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.
he’s a little confused but he got the spirit
me: what’s the weather today
weatherman: party sunny
me: and tomorrow?
weatherman: partly cloudy
me: what’s the difference
weatherman:
me:
weatherman: *whispers into tie* he knows too much
[a red dot appears on my forehead]