Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*
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“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”
– Guy about to get stabbed bad
At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.
*inventing the mirror*
“People don’t have enough to worry about.”
I thought this hot Egyptian chick was hitting on me but she was just trying to lure me into a pyramid scheme. 🙁
One man’s cougar is another man’s grandmother.
ME AT AGE 6: I am 6 and three-quarters as of tomorrow!
ME YESTERDAY: I am…I wanna say 32? Wait what year is it?
Her: Mommy, why does this peanut butter jar say “contains peanuts?”
Me: Because idiots, sweetheart.
Some cats bring their owners birds & mice.
Mine just brought me a potato.
Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.