9am: *starts diet*

2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*

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Me: Mark from Boston, you’re on the air.
Therapist: You pretend to be a radio host to avoid confrontation.
M: Let’s take another call.


If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.


Robin: I refuse to be your side chick

Batman: …sidekick

R: *hiding overnight bag*
oh, I’ll just go and get the bat-mobile ready then


me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary


A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”


*trimming the tree

Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.


doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.

chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS


Marriage is mostly blaming your spouse for not listening to the things you say, even when you’re not entirely sure you’ve said them out loud.