9am: *starts diet*

2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*

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Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.

His future in Politics is secure.


“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”

– Guy about to get stabbed bad


At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.


*inventing the mirror*

โ€œPeople donโ€™t have enough to worry about.โ€


I thought this hot Egyptian chick was hitting on me but she was just trying to lure me into a pyramid scheme. ๐Ÿ™


ME AT AGE 6: I am 6 and three-quarters as of tomorrow!

ME YESTERDAY: I amโ€ฆI wanna say 32? Wait what year is it?


Her: Mommy, why does this peanut butter jar say “contains peanuts?”
Me: Because idiots, sweetheart.


Some cats bring their owners birds & mice.
Mine just brought me a potato.


Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.