9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*
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If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
Me: *sigh* I’ve had so many shellfish lovers
Doctor: You mean selfish?
[30 crabs come out of my pants]
Doctor: Haha here’s some cream
Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?
My cat:…
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…
…go for the juggler.
Happy weekend !
I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.
All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”
I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?
I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.
It’s going to be really hot over the next couple of days so please remember to leave out a wee bowl of cider & blackcurrant incase a goth comes into your garden.
[first day as a fireman]
So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?
he asked “what are we?” and I said toniggggght we are young
Two glasses of wine and ordering online groceries is essentially clubbing and the bouncer is whether or not I know my credit card expiration date without standing up
Desperation
-Fragrance by Social Media
The only reason they’re called “jellyfish” is that ‘discarded grocery bags of death’ was considered “too wordy”.
Life of an Editor:
I just sat here for a good minute or so going, “Goatfully? That can’t be it. What’s the word I’m looking for? STOP saying ‘goatfully,’ brain!”
It was “sheepishly,” folks.
Whoever’s job it is to make sure
I eat before I drink is fired.
Exterminator: I can’t do anything about it.
Me: but I’m infested.
Exterminator: look! you’re the one who chose to have this many kids.
Don’t look at this picture. You will have nothing but questions:
[couples board game night]
“relax brent, it’s only monop-”
*fake smile* why don’t you tell everyone how you brush your teeth with hot water”
[My band playing on stage]
New GF’s friend: Which one is the boy you’ve been seeing?
New GF: *sees me playing accordion* He died
Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.
If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer
Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.
*stares into distance*
Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.
Keep thinking about asking out a woman that works at my gym but if we end up back at my place she’ll see that I’ve been stealing towels.