9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet
1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?
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After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet
[on phone with son] remember grimace probably weighs over 400lbs
[son at mcdonalds waiting for his interview] they probably won’t ask that
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.
this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen
Me: happy valentines day
Neil Degrasse Tyson: *slaps heart-shaped box out of my hands* an actual heart is shaped nothing like that
Hey.. with the intention of eating half your pizza.
it’s called dunkin donuts because hole foods was taken
Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.
Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.
My dad is at it again
[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.
Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too
AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey
[reading online survey]
Are you ready to double your satisfaction?
My god this sounds wildly inappropriate.
*clicks yes*
*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets
Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?
What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.
I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.
I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”
If microbiologists are so smart then how did they end up so tiny?
On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.
Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit
If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.
I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.
Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.