I wonder if the woman sitting in front of me at this game knows I can see every sexy text she sends her man as she sits close beside her other man.
9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet
1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?
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I accidentally bleached my hair too blonde and when my therapist saw it this morning she let out an audible “oh no”
Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*
Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE
Mugger: Give me your money
Me: Get ready to see some karate!
Mugger: Oh yeah?
Me: I have tournament tickets in my man bag
he speaks in typos
EVERYTHING IS JUST FIND BRENDA!
ok maybe we should take 5
[planning bank heist]
leader: we need a fall guy
me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]
leader: he’s perfect
911: What’s your emergency?
ME: SOMEONE STOLE MY COMMA.
911: When did you see it last?
ME: JUST BEFORE I SENT THE TWEET.
911: Where was it?
ME: IN FRONT OF THE “AND.”
911: Sir, that’s an Oxford comma.
911: Well, they’re not really necessary.
ME: GO GET YOUR SUPERVISOR.
ayo new guy—who’re you?
“they call me the butcher”
oh yea? why’s that, butch?
*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”
DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.
Your word is ‘condescending’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can. Can YOU?