9yo: Dad, how come you’re so good at Mario Kart but so bad at driving your car?
Me: Go to your room.
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The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.
Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?
Me: I have four, why start now?
sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded
Donating blood today to make room for more food
one time a kid at recess said i couldnt actually dig a hole to china, i said “Watch me” then walked away. i avoided him the rest of the year
I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.
My evil clone:[pointing to me] Shoot HIM, he’s the clone
Friend:[aims at the clone] The REAL Alex would never pass up an opportunity to die
The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.
I have a tattoo of a tiger shirt underneath my tiger shirt so when I take off my tiger shirt BOOM tiger shirt
STAYCATION DAY 1:
Filled the birdbath with Nescafé just to see the startled look on those vagrant House Finches.
[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food
Wendy’s manager: you are very fired
Someone tried to abduct me today by sloppily painting “taco truck” on the side of a windowless van.
There were no tacos in there. Please send help.
WIFE: Stop spending all our money
ME: Okay, fine
[later]
WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF?
ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT
[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100
I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.
When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side
Follow me for more life hacks.
Sure sex is great but have you pulled a sticker off something in one go?
YES
YES
YES
YES
YES
-me watching the pizza delivery guy on my GPS app as he gets closer to my house
CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea
Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?
Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car
I’m so hungry I could eat a hor—
*horse walks by snorting aggressively*
ticulturalist
*horticulturalist pops up trimming hedge aggressively*
In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.
i don’t invite people over because they might sit in my dog’s chair
Breaking News:
Germany defeats Argentina… France surrenders.
My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good
How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.
“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”
-I say to the person I don’t remember.
For a few days, my 3-year-old has been giving the cats what I can only describe as performance reviews. I do not know where this is coming from.