Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy
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I’m not getting fatter. I’m increasing my content.
One tricky thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
I turned the location off on my phone so an international spy agency isn’t aware that I’m eating fast food today. I want to impress them.
It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.
Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.
They call me The Cat because of my hunting skills, my lightning fast reflexes, and because I run into the basement when I see the vacuum cleaner.
WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please
If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.
[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?
I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.
I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.
Last night I woke up freezing and discovered that my husband had stolen all the covers. I did what any mature, married woman would do; I woke him up and told him I heard a strange noise downstairs.
When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.
“STOP IT STOP IT. CUT. THIS IS ALL WRONG” I scream at my cats dressed like vampires. “This is NOTHING like Twilight!!”
I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.
When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”
what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??
our love story in four pictures
I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa
she is beauty, she is grace
she’s got a hotdog for the space
No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
Found an m&m on the floor. It’s been there all night, but I figure that’s well past the statute of limitations on the 5 second rule.
Anyway, once I brushed off the cat hair it tasted fine.
Raise your hand if this is your first time under a helicopter. Ah, sorry to make an example of you Johnson, but that’s why we never do that.
“A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it’s not a that good.”#usability #uxdesign #iOSdev
All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”
[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
Yes, but you should see the other pea
~Black eyed pea probably
You know what they say,
so I won’t tell you.
Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together