9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?
Me: Slept in.
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A first date is probably the best time to show off your wicked hand puppet skills.
I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
Avril: I want a divorce. You aren’t a sk8er boi. So see ya later boi.
Chad: This is how you remind me of what I really am?!
Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no
Me: it hit me completely out of the grey
Friend: *narrows eyes* you mean blue?
Me [secretly a dog in a trenchcoat]: …yes
My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine
A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.
Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.
I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.
my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”
Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now
The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.
My kid keeps talking about his preschool “road trip” and I’m not sure a visit to an apple orchard has ever been described in that way
I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.
Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.
[cheesecake for two at fancy restaurant]
Me: -bite-
Him: -bite-
Me: -bite-
Him -bite-
[cheesecake falls on its side]
Me: Jenga!
HISTORIAN: So the important thing to remember is Ted Bundy was a horrific serial killer.
PRODUCER: Right. Also incredibly hot.
HISTORIAN: Really, just, try to focus on how he was a homicidal monster.
PRODUCER: Yeah, total smoke show, we’re on the same page.
Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.
This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.
For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.
*being born
my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT
“Can we op..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can we ha..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”Christmas Day
“EAT EVERYTHING. NOW! IT’S GOING TO GO OUT OF DATE!”
[Inside every wolf]
Me: Hey.
Me: Oh, hey.
My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.
It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.
Mom: You can’t have cookies for breakfast!
Me: Why?
Mom: Have something healthy-here, eat these chocolate chip pancakes with syrup instead
My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.
My new husband and me are already winning thru compromise. I accept he’ll never pick up all his socks and he allows the occasional hit and run homicide. Patience & 💛.
If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.
I don’t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.