9yo: My best friend is going to be gone for 2 weeks on vacation. It’s going to be the worst.
Me: Well, it gives us the chance to hang out.
9yo: You’re making it worse.
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[before date]
friend: you’re a good guy. just let her know that
[date]
her: so tell me about y-
me: I’M GOOD BOY NICE AND KIND
Me: sorry I’m late, my toddler made me find his blue socks.
Friend without kids: I don’t believe a 3yo can MAKE you do anything.
Me: 😶
doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office
Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
I’m quitting drinking for a year.
*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.
Sorry, punctuation is everything.
Croquettes are not female crocodiles
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?
Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL
The Conjuring 3:
Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.
The kids torment them back.
They’re better at it.
The spirits flee.
When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again
Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.
“Who puts ugly pictures of someone on a missing poster? I’ll tell you who. My MOM. That’s who.”
~ The Best Testimony I’ve Ever Heard in Person
Seriously, soup?
If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.
I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.
Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.
Hey, remember that terrible date who forgot their wallet and then ghosted you?
Well, LinkedIn thinks you should add this person to your network.
doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’
me: why are we on the roof
I have yet to interview a ham that didn’t end in sandwiches.
I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.
Hi, I’m Brandon and I’ll be your hater this evening. Our specials tonight are “ur mom”, “lol own3d”, and “u mad bro lol u mad?!??!”
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’
alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap
This country is bonkers. Toilet paper: gone. Bottled water: sold out. And yet nobody else thought to stock up on the single most important thing. Good luck now suckers! Ya snooze ya lose
The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.
If I was in charge of SWAT I’d change the name to the “Special Weapons And Grenades” team just so police would have to radio in for SWAG
Release that sexual frustration, get a burger.
wife: ugh I feel so old
me: you’re only 36
wife: ugh
me: that’s like three 12yr olds
wife: what
me: what
Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.