9yo: My best friend is going to be gone for 2 weeks on vacation. It’s going to be the worst.
Me: Well, it gives us the chance to hang out.
9yo: You’re making it worse.
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[doctor’s office]
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news
ME: what’s the good news
D: that’s for someone else; sorry, doctor-patient confidentiality
Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you
Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”
Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
[Dies]
Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.
Me: Dammit
Better names for porcupines:
Needle Beaver
Battlepig
Hurty Squirrel
Flail Monster
Cactus Rat
Capy-scare-uh
Death otter
Revenge Possum
How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.
The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”
sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze
“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
Indiana Jones: I present the Ark of the Covenant, sacred crypt of the Ten Commandments.
Rick from Pawn Stars: I’ll give you 25 bucks.
people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.
Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.
Mozzarella sticks in the streets, mozzarella sticks in the sheets.
There’s never a bad time for mozzarella sticks.
AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.
The five stages of camping:
1- Denial: “No, we’re not going”
2- Anger: “I hate camping!”
3- Bargaining: “If we stay home I’ll cook waffles”
4- Depression: “Fine. Whatever”
5- Acceptance: “This isn’t so bad. I don’t know why you were complaining”
Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.
The hardest part of the day after running a marathon is finding ways to work it into every single conversation you have.
“Rotisserie chicken” should be a size for fanny packs.
Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.
Can’t. Trying to decide between hiding the presents in the dishwasher or the washer/dryer since I’m the only one in this damn house who uses them.
What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?
My friend never knew the difference between ‘infer’ and ‘imply’ which was never an issue until he opened a club called Disco Implyno
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.
My husband suggested I tone down the Botox and just age gracefully. And I laughed and laughed. But didn’t scowl. Cuz Botox.
[creation]
GOD: You guys are bees
BEE: Are we important?
GOD: Mankind would collapse without you
BEE: Can we fly?
GOD: No, it’s physically impossible cause you’re all too fat lol
BEE: …
GOD: Ok fine I’ll figure it out
[First Date]
I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
*shoves a whole brisket in my maw like a bear going into hibernation*
“It’s fine. I’ll get over it.”
TRANSLATION: I will remember every detail of what you did until I draw my last mortal breath.
I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.
Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?