9yo niece: *eyeing my engagement ring with suspicion* THAT doesn’t look like a real diamond to me
me: *eyeing my husband with suspicion*
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dr: we had to remove your colon
me why
THERAPIST: What do you wish for?
WIFE: That we become closer again & [smiles at me] focus on the important things
ME: For the dog to talk
my future husband is probably fake laughing at his girlfriends Iame jokes rn. be patient king, a true clown is on the way.
You totally had me at “I want you” and I was so excited, I completely missed the ” To leave me alone” part….Sorry my bad.
“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses
Nobody:
Kindergartener learning consonant sounds: F-f-fish starts with F and f-f-frog starts with F too, and my mom says a word that starts with F but it sounds kind of like duck. *pause* I don’t know if I’m supposed to say THAT here.
God: have a seat it may take a while to explain what you do.
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth: *begins moving towards chair*
God: okay actually you got it have fun on earth.
I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
Relationship status:
I ran out of toilet paper a week ago.
Update:
I am now running out of paper towels.
*goes swimming in Australia*
*is attacked by sharks*
*crawls gasping onto deserted beach*
*thanks god*
*is promptly eaten by crocodiles*
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.
Wow, you’ve got a lot of hickeys Kris.
Me: Busy weekend *winks
*remembers wrestling that octopus at the aquarium for giving me side eye.
No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now
I’m always disappointed when I get an “animal detected” alert from my security system and it’s a mosquito on the lense and not a sasquatch in my back yard.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, can you stop making me stare at my phone all day? This isn’t funny. I just want to live life again.
There was an episode of the Flintstones where a mechanic worked on Fred’s car HEY FRED YOURE GETTING RIPPED OFF THERE IS NO ENGINE IN THERE
Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.
ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.
GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.
King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!
Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*
She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza
What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?
Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!
The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*
I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”
H: The house is empty, why don’t you go and slip into something more comfortable?
Me: great idea *comes back wearing fuzzy penguin pajamas*
As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
ME: Siri listen very carefully. I need you to quietly dial 911, and…
SIRI: I HAVE FOUND TWO RESTAURANTS WITHIN 5 MILES OF YOUR LOCATION.
Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No
You gotta love a man with a dog’s name and a dog with a man’s name.
“Hi, I’m Cody and this is my dog Steve.”
Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.