9yo to 6yo: “Why is it so hard for you to understand this? Are you Alexa??”
You Might Also Like
Stomach: I am starving. Feed me immediately.
Me: I’m at work, man, can’t right now.
(one hour later)
Me: Cool I’m finally on break, let’s eat.
Stomach: Gross
“Is that a banana in ur pocket or are u just happy to see me haha”
[i pull a hand full of lasagna out of my pocket] “Actually it’s lasagna”
Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.
Just heard about a magician in 1990 who tried burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete and was completely astonished when he ended up burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete.
[first date]
ME: I’m having a great time
HER: I’m not
ME: *peeking out from my pillow fort* I don’t even let my dog in here, Janet
People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…
“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids
“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now
Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.
Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker
“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.
Alfred: *placing pancakes in the shape of the Bat Signal* Here are your pancakes, Master W-
Bruce: They’re Batcakes Alfred. Say “Batcakes!”
dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health
All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant
God: okay so manatees, no necks on them, like wet potatoes
Angel: yes sir, and what shall I do with all the excess necks?
God: *smiles and looks over at the giraffe* YOU!
Angel: sir pls, he can’t possibly have al-
God: ALL THE NECKS!
If your husband didn’t just take down an old shower curtain, wear it as a cape, then run around yelling “I am Captain Mildew!” then you are not me.
I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”
watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.
Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You love me?
Cop:
Me:
Cop:
Me: Is it because I’m driving a lawnmower?
Cop: Yes.
Me: *floors it*
Bought $200 sunglasses.
Lost them in 15 minutes.Bought Walmart sunglasses.
Had them for 238 years.
My 5yo would like to wish you all a Happy Balance Time Day
I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.
*unscrews green bulb from porch light*
Ok, I’m done.
I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.
i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.
I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”
We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move
*lays down on memory foam mattress*
mattress: remember that time you pooped your pants in 3rd grade?
me: I regret buying you
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.