9y/o~poking finger on my face.
Me(yelling)~dont touch me with your finger
Later~glad he got loophole now what to do with a foot on my face

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Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?


Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.


I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.


I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.


Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others


*medication may cause
– hair cramps
– tongue mold
– restless skin syndrome
– pomegranate ear
– swamp lip
– knee teeth


I actually turned on the light so the Roomba could “see” where it was going, so I’m not exactly firing on all cylinders today.


them: how are you

you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal


Killer: come out come out wherever you are

Me: *hiding*

Killer: omg what a cute puppy!

Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man