I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
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Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo
Storm Tropical Storm
According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast
I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?
[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudgesMe: And how is my eraser?
There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.
I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!
Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.
“I lost my Khakis”
– a guy from Boston who lost his car keys.
I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.
Him: I think we should
Me: crack open a beer?
H: do something this afternoon
M: drink beer?
H: something outside
M: beer in the sun?
H: I was thinking more of
M: wine?
H: ….
Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…
*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.
After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)
Jesus: *holding bread*
This is my body.
*holding wine*
This is my blood.
*holding a meeting* This could have been an email.
Did 300 squats yesterday. Walking funny today. Embarrassed about being out of shape so I’m telling everyone that I had buttsex last night.
Gonna start telling my teenage daughters, “ok, boomer” when they try to act like my mother.
My son shut off location sharing on his phone and now I have to call my mom and apologize for causing her crippling anxiety every night from 1984 to 1987.
Me to Gonzo: Stop chasing after her! She’s toxic!
Gonzo: You don’t even know her, Mom!
Me: Well, I know she’s a toad.
“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”
~me, as a marriage counselor
ME: “Nemo” is Latin for “no one,” so in essence he is searching for nothing, a spectre. His voyage crosses many planes, into the depths of the underworld, led by a fool who speaks riddles. He is King Lear lost in the storm, but also Dante traversing Hell
MY CHILDREN: We hate you
While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.
[pitching my invention of liquid chicken nuggets]
CEO: so you just drink them?
ME: *pulls a needle and syringe out of my briefcase* think bigger
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A NAP!!
THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?
I pack extra bags when I travel so I have room to bring back souvenirs, candies, hotel towels, the extra toilet paper, stuff like that.
Me: So, what are your thoughts?
Therapist: Well, I think you may have some boundary issues.
Me: [In his lap] Are you saying I’m fat?!
“I trust him as far as I can throw him.”
Oh and we’re supposed to trust you, the guy who THROWS people?
*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*
The CDC should absolutely have a prison
my buddy: hey nick you want a beer?
the t1000 impersonating me: nah im good
my buddy: cool cool…. (slowly reaches for a shotgun under the counter)
Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit
Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.
– news stations