Tonight I have taught my 2yr old a very valuable lesson.
He now knows that chips can be used to eat guacamole.
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What is your favorite movie where Tom Cruise runs really fast?
She: I’ve been with my boyfriend for years and we’ve never kissed.
Me: Cos he’s been kissing someone else.
Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?
[after sex]
her: you were really loudme: *putting down my trombone* yep
A friend sent me this.
BOSS: Can we meet in 20 minutes?
ME: Can it wait until tomorrow?
BOSS: Sure. Busy day?
ME: (pauses video of a dog playing in crunchy leaves) Yes.
The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…
People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.
I asked my mom how her first date went with a guy she met on eharmony and she said “let’s just say we were physically compatible” and I said “let’s just say fine next time”
why is Saturday over in 7 mins and Sunday in 4 minutes but Monday is 84 months long?
July is so long that it feels like August is avoiding us
im gay on my mothers side
Woke up feeling not too shabby for a 55-year-old. The only problem is I’m still in my 40s.
Sorry I can’t carpool to work. That’s the 20 minutes I use to angry scream.
AM I BEING GASLIT????
“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis
The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it
Deer: *frozen in headlights*
Deer’s mom: I TOLD you to bring a sweater
Don’t you just hate it when you’re in the middle of crafting a great tweet but then you get rudely interrupted and lose your train of thought?
Passenger in car: OMG WATCH OUT
Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.
Son: Daddy, when does this end?
Me: No-one knows, our existence is a long, bleak road upon which we travel until the final embrace of death
Son: I mean when does this party end?
Me: 7.30
Me: Would you bring me the mattress cover off your bed?
Son: *looks puzzled* The what?
Me: The mattress cover. The quilted looking sheet.
Son:
Me: The final boss sheet at the bottom.
Son: Oh that.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a parapsychologist.
Me: Cool! Is it difficult talking people into jumping out of planes?
If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.
Dating in your 50’s is great!
Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh
My toddler got a certificate at nursery for ‘good listening’ and ironically she didn’t listen when I asked her if she could do that at home too
Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?
Friend: You’re Catholic?
Me: Yes
F: And you eat meat on Fridays?
M: I can guarantee if I’m going to hell it’s not for eating meat on Fridays
Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.
Me: I think I’d rather drive.
A sudden wind kicked up leaves and spun the rooftop weathervane, meaning somewhere in town two witches brought the same spinach dip to coven meeting AGAIN.