*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
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I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
friend: the key to a good joke is misdirection
[later]
guy: hey can you tell me how to get downtown?
me: *barely containing my glee as i point him uptown* yeah go that way
A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.
her: why is the cat so sparkly?
me: I think she looks fabulous.
her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?
me: you mean the glitter box?
[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]
Kids: Dad, what IS this place?
Me: I have absolutely no idea
I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.
“Can I get a umm…”
-every person ever at the drive thru
One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it
I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him
I’ve started picking furniture up off the side of the road, restoring it, and then selling it on Facebook in order to finance my expensive new hobby, which is picking furniture up off the side of the road and then restoring it to sell on Facebook.
John Wick 4 was so good I wish violence was real
Potionheads be like bro this is an elixir bro it’s different just try it. Nice try junkie I’m sticking with the turkeylegs and apples I find on the castle floor
Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”
Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”
Well, that didn’t work.
Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically
Dr: well i have good news and bad news
Me: give me the bad news
Dr: you have cancer
Me: what’s the good news
Dr: i don’t
when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae
Maybe I misheard him…
But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat.
[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.
cop: can you step out of the car, sir?
me: [remaining in my seat] yes i CAN step out of the car ;D
cop:
me:
cop: um may you step out of the car, sir?
me: actually i might be on a teensy bit of opium so let’s revisit that first question
If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…
It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.
[at craft beer festival]
Me: Miller Lite, please
*ukulele girl stops playing*
Bartender: *blinks repetitively*
Baby: *throws unsweetened hemp milk bottle at me*
I jokingly asked my mom if I was born with a tail and she started acting all weird like someone who gave birth to a baby with a tail
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
Me, today: don’t text and drive
Me, in 1999: *driving and flipping through a 96 disc binder looking for deftones*