Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:
Bruce Killis
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Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
Me: getting the flu shot wasn’t so bad, was it?
5: it was really loud
Me: loud?
5: yes because I screamed the whole time!
Wow planes really have bad luck on that day
The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.
omg the traffic lights are red and green for Christmas 🥺
Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.
was Jim off killing horses or…
HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf
him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup
you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
Interviewer: It says in your CV that you are quick at maths. What is 23 x 39?
Me: 69.
Interviewer: That’s not even close.
Me: No, but it was quick, isn’t it?
A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.”
Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.
Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?
baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy
ppl come over to ur house and are like “can i get myself a glass of water” and ur like “sure” and u look over and they’ve chosen literally the most random glass you’ve ever seen
How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
How come we never describe an arsonist as someone who lit up a room?
I’ll bet crowds were super disappointed every time Abraham Lincoln took the stage & didn’t pull a rabbit out of that hat.
“We’ll see” is Parentese for “No.”
I feel like dry shampoo is the equivalent of unicorn blood for hair—it will keep it alive, but it will be a half-life, a cursed life…
One time I was teaching a guy how to use the stump grinder and he said no worries it’s just a machine they pretty much all run the same. And I was like wow that’s a great point I really admire that. And then he ran it through a shed
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
Me: In relationships, listening and communicating are key.
Husband: Did you check the counter? Maybe your purse? You’re always losing things.
Me: This is nice.
{Commercial for Floors}
Is this you?
{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}
[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]
– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside
When I’m trying to walk around in my house: Tripping over shoes nonstop because kids leave them everywhere
When I’m trying to get kids out of the house: No shoes to be found, a barren shoeless desert, a tumbleweed rolls by
Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat