Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security
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*contemplates closet full of sweater vests* Okay, so I misjudged what to panic buy.
I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.
Science is fun!
#nottrue
My boyfriend is tall, strong, protective and flashes me regularly.
Oh no wait. I’m thinking of a lighthouse again.
Why do paintings of people centuries ago never show pimples? Ur telling me these people who drank shit water and took baths 2x a decade had clear skin?
Been on hold so long I can’t remember who I called. I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn’t really narrow it down much.
I hate self-promotional people. They’re so into themselves they probably don’t even realize I have a new album available on iTunes now
My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
My cat’s name is Isis, so you can imagine my horror when I turned on the news and saw “Isis believed to be allied with Al-Qaeda”
No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.
one time i asked the guy i was dating at the time if he would still love me if i was a worm and he said ‘no but i would build u a terrarium and make sure ur safe and also so u could see the girl i date after :)’ and it caused a huge fight lol
A telemarketer just called my cell phone.
I pretended to be a phone sex operator.
HE didn’t hang up.
…things got awkward.
Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.
how to have fun when you’re poor
3yo stood in front of the electric door at the grocery store, kicking it and shouting, “Dammit! Open! Why does no one listen to me?”
I think she’s ready to be a parent now.
Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
i will not order eggs in a restaurant unless the chef personally lays them
Me: I need to go outside and shovel but it’s so cold
My girlfriend: Want me to help?
Me: No I th-
My Girlfriend: Okay
When I was a kid we once went to a neighbour’s house for dinner and she gave us purple soup and I had to eat it and that’s why I don’t like neighbours
Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now
Critics agree that plot considerations did not justify the near-constant nudity in your film “How To Safely Use A Ladder In The Workplace”
Good morning
Where it all went wrong
Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.
Her: Is that what you want?
When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”
I see the Chancellor has raised passenger duty on private planes by a whopping 50%? Those multi billionaires are going to have to stop buying avocados and going to Starbucks.
Me: did you know that the white lines inside of bell peppers are called veins?
Dracula: *glides forward* I von’t go vegan
(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school
Me driving through Toronto
4: Mummy, I know how old you are.
Me: OK.
4: Has it got an 8 in it?
Me: Yes! Well done.
4: Is it 8 and then 0?
Me: No, darling, it just feels like it.