My son turned 3 and suddenly his elbows are spears, all I’m saying is it seems very uncool that my tiny dictator should get more weapons.
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Just call and I’ll be there.
*Turns phone off*
“Does this library still have a place to eat in the basement?”
“We don’t have a place to eat, and we don’t actually have a basement.”
“Wow, really? What changed?”
“Your current position in the multiverse, I’m guessing.”
The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.
if u see a BEAR in the woods PLAY DEAD. it will be good PRACTICE for when u are ACTUALLY dead in a few SECONDS
Me: they’re called in-laws because the law still applies if you do something to them right
Guy on subway: what
Me: what
*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”
….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.
*stable*
Me: that one
Stable hand: ah careful ridin her, she used to belong to an old knight
M: ok
*Horse goes 2 steps forward & 1 left*
WTF
[jail]
ME: I want my phone call
COP: Ok. Make it count
ME: [dials payphone]
[cop’s mobile rings]
COP: Hello?
ME: Please let me go
[dinner date]
me: here, let me get the door for you
her: no I got it
me: ffs it’s MY microwave
[watching TV on couch]
Me: Think you’ve got enough blankets on you? I can’t even see you, ha ha.
Her: …
Me: I said, do you think you have enough blankets on you?
Her: …
Me: I’m just talking to a pile of blankets, aren’t I?
Pile of blankets: …
[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
pick a card
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im a grown up. it’s my STOMACH that hurts because I had too many sweets without mothers permission
Back in the old days you had to settle for someone within a 50 mile radius to love. Now with social media the whole world can disappoint you.
[anniversary dinner]
HER: tell me something that will make my heart race
ME: my credit card got declined
Teen: Your outfit is on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your MOM is on fleek.
Teen: (smiles) Thank you!
Me: God damn it.
Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead
Dolphin: *deep breath*
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.
*date night*
Her: Why did you say you were a bad chef? These crunchy tacos look great!
Me: …omelettes 🙁
Let’s walk and talk.
You go that way.
dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone
[on a first date]
Her: I don’t like guns
Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*
*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”
Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go
Bad Batman: Ben Affleck
“First you bug me to go out, and now you want to come right back in? You’ve been out there for like thirty seconds. Did you at least pee? Tell me you at least peed.”
1965~ Wow Cher looks good
1985 ~ Wow Cher looks good
1995 ~ Wow Cher looks good
2020 ~Wow Cher looks good
3035 ~ Wow Cher looks good
[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews
Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?
Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water