It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us
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my best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 37 we’ll hunt each other for sport
Instead of onlyfans I spend all my money on onlyfood
dreams are fun because I go to sleep a full-grown adult then spend 8 hours terrorized by my high school locker combination
Sam Skoronski
@SamSkoronski
Lovers of board games and card games are going to love my exciting new combo, cardboard games.
Told my roommate that megamillions was up to $825 million and she said, “yeah but that’s only $400 million after taxes”. Our kitchen is in our living room.
72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.
ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.
The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.
therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.
Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
-No.
My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.
The hardest things to say:
(1) I need help
(2) Worcestershire
Invisible Obama be like “Uhh. Let me be clear”
What, I’m Asian?
*slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks*
*buys a bonsai tree*
If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek
“just sayin” who asked you though?
Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!– RL partying sounds so violent
Spices were first brought to Europe in the Middle Ages, and some of them are still at the back of my cupboard.
”Found unresponsive” is the new “discovered unconscious.” But it still means the same thing. You can’t handle your Chardonnay, Janice
Motives for murder:
1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring
HIM: my favorite movie is pulp fiction
ME: *trying to impress him but knowing that pulp is real* pulp is the greatest lie ever told
PARAMEDIC: this man needs a transfusion
JESUS: i got this *turns water into wine*
PARAMEDIC: he doesn’t need wine he needs blood
JESUS: this is my blood
My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*
My wife:“That’s not the shirt I sent her to daycare in.”
Me:“But it’s the right kid?”
Wife: “Yes.”
Me: “Awesome. I’m going to play Xbox”
[Headless Horseman birthday party]
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: [opens present] Another hat? Haha guys okay I get it you can cut it out now.
if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel
“the hills are alive”
“OH MY GOD HEAD FOR THE OH NOOOO I MEAN HEAD AWAY FROM THE”
“with the sound of music”
“OH GOD THE HILLS ARE GOING TO EAT US AND ALSO THEY ARE SINGING RUN FASTER!!!!”
When my 7yo gets mad at us she goes to her room and scream-sings angsty made up songs and I wonder if this is how Alanis got her start too
Han: *approaches Endor in a shuttle*
Imperial officer: What’s the password?
Han: It’s “password.”
Vader: We should really change that.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew