looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30
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Some say I’ve “gone off the rails,” or “left the reservation,” or “screwed the pooch,” or “mixed my metaphors,” or “launched the hot dog”
Husband: It’s nice but we’re looking for something bigger
Me, a realtor: Absolutely
Wife: And not a bounce house
Me: *bouncing more softly* How do you mean
There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode
oh you like online scams? name all the numbers on your credit card
“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…
One of the happiest days of my life was when I walked down the aisle.
And saw that Tesco had a 3 for £12 offer on bottles of wine.
“The truth is out there” yes and that’s why I stay inside
Sorry you didn’t win Best Picture, “Mad Max: Fury Road,” but if Trump wins the election, you can re-submit for “Best Documentary.”
Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?
Maybe all the lonely ladies in my DMs who just moved to this city and don’t have any friends should get together and start a newcomers club.
[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now
A new report claims 90% of fish could be wiped out in a mass extinction. On the plus side – it will make it much easier to find Nemo.
Worth the read.
“I just don’t understand why everyone is so worried about the quarantine weight gain. With proper diet, you can drop pounds in a few hours!”
*Gas station attendant nods*
“Anyway, I’ll take that sushi from last month, thanks”
If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.
if you want a really sexy woman, I just sat in a bunch of crushed up chips without realizing it and thought something was following me when I walked across the house cause I kept hearing the chips drop to the floor
The best way to save money on dental floss is by having your dentist remove every second tooth so your toothbrush fits between the gaps, instead.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.
[Scene: Cloud City. Two men fight each other with lightsabers]
Mario: You-a kill my father!
Wario: No. I am-a your father.
Mario: Mama-mia!
“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”
That is definitely a reality show I would watch.
People write Congrats cause they can’t spell Congrajulashins
Heavens to Betsy
Betsy to Heavens
Heavens BACK to Betsy
Betsy-GOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL
When I can she’s been typing her reply for 5 mins.
Wife: Can you turn on the crock pot?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of crock pot]
Wife: why for everything
lol
Well, my evening plans are ruined
rewatching 2016 and 2020 election night coverage at 2x speed, to catch up with the first two in the trilogy before the finale drops tomorrow
Just finished the first chapter of this novel. Tons of characters with the same name and really hard to follow.
Sir, that’s a phone book.
“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again