Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just been down the cafe. Good to see Margo’s letting bygones be bygones.

Two sales people approached me at the furniture store. I’m following the one who called me Miss. The Hello Ma’am one should take note.

THIS IS SPARTA!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY HOUSE IN CHICAGO!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY PERSIAN CAT!
*Next slide*
Leonidas, it’s getting late.

When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow

[on phone]
“Press 1 if you’re a huge nerd”
“Press 2 if you’re a virgin”
“Press 3 if y-”

STOP TALKING, DAD! I’m trying to call Xbox support

*dies*
*gets to heaven*
*sees furries everywhere*
Me: What the…
Jeebus: Hell hath no furry, man
*laughs, puts on giraffe costume*

Facebook: Here’s some other people you might know

Me: Oh yes! I do know them!

Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? 🙂

Me: oh God no

I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂

Scientists have recently discovered that Rhino horns are radioactive “I wouldn’t touch ’em if I was a poacher” said 1 massive grey scientist

I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.

I’m starting a frequently terrible drycleaner called autopleat

hear me out…

…lasagna-flavoured cologne

not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured

*licks wrists*

How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste

Pessimist: it’s half empty

Optimist: it’s half full

Me, taking huge sip: is there half a sandwich too?

Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.

Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe

Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will

Children are the best fundraisers because they don’t understand economics:

Principal: The student who raises $500 dollars for the school will get this free hat

12 year old me: That is such a great deal

All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”

[begging for change]

POLICE OFFICER: I’m going to have to ask you to leave

ME: *slamming fists against claw machine* but I’m SO CLOSE

POLICE OFFICER: it’s my turn

In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”

Kids: [inside playing on their phones]

Me: OMG it’s beautiful today, go outside.

[3 minutes later]

Kids: [outside playing on their phones]

I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.

“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????

“You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep.” -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow

If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.

A pirate reminisces:
“Ar, at first, ’twas all fun and games.”
*rubs eye patch morosely*

My kitten has a lot of sass for someone that falls over still when she sneezes.

You know what cats don’t like? Blow dryers.

You know what’s funny? Pointing your blow dryer at your cat.

Anyway, I lost an eye today.

How to avoid interaction with coworkers in 4 steps?
1. Take a group selfie
2. Crop everyone out except you
3. Post it on FB
4. Tag all of em

People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants

…or whatever that saying is