Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.
Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.
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I’m the only woman at this baby shower who doesn’t have a baby. They better ooh and aah over my bassinet of deviled eggs.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a hairless cat.
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
*Job Interview
Me: “Thanks for meeting with me”
IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat”(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)
Me: “What…”
Manager *starts timer*
Your windows aren’t that tinted that I can’t still see you picking your nose.
{asks friend for help with a draft}
*two minutes later*
‘I’d love to help you, but I honestly have no idea where your thought process is taking us here’Me: “It’s fine, really
…..it’s not you, it’s me!”
I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.
if you have an lgbtq phobic family member tht merely tolerates you. take them aside and explain how you have seen the light and are trying to be cishet. there are classes but they’re expensive–you want it to be a surprise to the rest of the family-so you need $8500 to be straight
My boyfriend just sent me a txt: ‘I think I want to see other people.’ My reply was, ‘You better look out the window.’
Her: I’m a sapiophile
Me: I don’t know what that is
Her: it’s being attracted to intelligence
Me: totally I am a sap… sapial… me too
*extends arm for handshake*
Me: Hello, it’s nice to meet you
Friend: Sorry, but my dad is blind
Me: Oh…. HELLO, IT’S NICE TO MEET YOU
[texting]
her: 🍆+🍑
me: *shows up with eggplant parmesan and peach pie*
her: YES!!!!
Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
her: my parents are gone 😉
liam neeson: ok when did u see them last
Homeschooling day 3
Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
I believe the children are our future.
But my 3-year-old finished his juice & then got mad because he thought someone else finished his juice, so that future might be in trouble.
Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!– RL partying sounds so violent
“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back
With age comes wisdom. And digestive trouble.
me, a police sketch artist: is this him?
witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?
When I am really mad, I pronounce your name as frenchly as possible.
Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.
Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.
RAPUNZEL: oh no I’m out of hair
JOHNNY DEPP: *unraveling scarves* I got this
My mom gave me a coffee mug that says “Be your own kind of beautiful” and I’m really trying not to read too much into that
Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.
THERAPIST: What do you wish for?
WIFE: That we become closer again & [smiles at me] focus on the important things
ME: For the dog to talk
We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
What’s the best way to remove a grass stain?
Alcohol?
I don’t see how getting drunk will help, but whatever.