Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist
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Kid 1: Why’d you call me Aphrodite?
“After the Greek goddess of love”
Kid 2: What about me pop?
“You’re named after a famous chipmunk Alvin”
Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.
Me[seeing snow for the first time]: Damn, that rain is thicc!
I saw a shooting star tonight and thought if the other stars had guns this would never have happened.
10 y/o made her own chores list and after doing the dishes, she said she couldn’t believe we do them every day so I patted her on the head and said, “wait until you hear about this thing called laundry.”
Me: [watching news]
Child: Why do you watch the news?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: I asked-
Me: I’M THINKING
I asked my Gramma which walker she preferred to use.
She said Johnnie.
even the youngest member of The Breakfast Club is now 53, so it’s less ‘don’t you forget about me’ and more ‘I don’t remember why I came into the room’
idk how to explain it but this cat Iook british 😭😭
8-year-old: I upgraded my blanket fort.
Me: It looks the same as before.
8: I added more snacks.
Finally, some meaningful renovations.
How’s the parenting going over here?
My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”
inside everyone there are 2 wolves, one trying to ruin a pig’s house and one pretending to be your grandma.
My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.
I had a medical student join me on NICU recently and they asked me if they’d be able to take any patient histories.
I mean if they’d have managed to take any histories from any of the nicu babies I would have been seriously impressed.
If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?
Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.
My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?
Santa Claus & his elves wouldn’t be able to wrap the gifts needed for all the children in the world quickly enough unless they had more limbs. Therefore, the logical conclusion is that they are all octopuses & the “North Pole” is actually the lost city of Atlantis. In this essay,
The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.
boss: [asks me to do something]
me: [wonders how beyonce would do it]
boss: STOP WONDERING ABOUT HOW BEYONCE WOULD DO IT
take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there
If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉
Me: Can you help me with something?
Her: Not right now. I’m taking a nap.
Me: But your eyes are open and your phone is playing game music…
Her: Sshhhh, I’m sleeping!
Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell
Gazing at nature’s majesty, I am one with the woods. This is where I belong, I muse as I’m drilled with a paintball and promptly eliminated
Comedian: Thanks everyone you’ve been great. Remember, under no circumstances should you tip your waitress.
Cow waitress: [mouths] thank you
Priest: for what have you come to ask forgiveness, my dear?
Me: my student loans
Priest: [to god] can…can she do that?
Daylight Saving Time is increasingly hard to notice when my digital are devices are like, “What? Nothing happened. We know what time it is.”
And my stove is left blinking and screaming, “IT HAPPENED! TIME SHIFTED UNNATURALLY! THEY’RE ALL LYING! ONLY I KNOW! ONLY I REMEMBER!”
My dog forgot it’s mother’s day, again.