You want me to be your daddy? Then close the damn door, we’re not heating the outside!
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Just broke a clothes hanger and now have seven years of bad outfits.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: It’s a surprise
“Thou shall keep swimming” -Nemonians 7:69
I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.
Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.
Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?
Yelling “give me back my panties, you pervert” at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.
wife: look our baby can stand up
baby: what’s the deal with airplane food
My wife and I take turns going to our 11-year-old’s swim meets.
Two weeks in a row, when it was my turn, the meet got canceled.
Now our daughter always wants it to be my turn.
Looks like we all just want to stay home.
*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*
*posts photo of me washing dishes*
*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
girlfriend: [seductively] is there anything new you’d like to try in bed
me: maybe spaghetti but I’d probably make a mess
4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?
Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.
4: Mom is at your work?
Floating in a sensory deprivation tank is a pretty good indication it’s not working out outside the womb
At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.
Get your faces tattooed on each other, so if the wife ever says ‘you’re a joke’ you can say ‘the joke’s on you’ and disarm the situation.
I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.
Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text
An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…
I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.
It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.
16,875,547,322 traffic-related bug deaths so far this year
Husband opening his new radar detector…
Me- want me to run by really fast?
Him- what? No, that’s not how this works.
Me- *runs by entrance to kitchen*
DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news
SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time
INTERVIEWER: Tell me one of your weaknesses.
ME: I sometimes mistake professional behavior for flirting.
INTERVIEWER: There is zero chance we’d ever hire someone with that issue.
ME: Listen, I’m flattered, but I’m married.
This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other
Me: I’m nervous about mingling at the party
Wife: Just talk about stuff anyone can relate to[Party]
Me: HI I UNDERSTAND YOU TOO ARE HUMAN
Interviewer: It says in your CV that you are quick at maths. What is 23 x 39?
Me: 69.
Interviewer: That’s not even close.
Me: No, but it was quick, isn’t it?
Person I tried to rob describing me to the police:
“long hair, wearing pajamas, honestly she didn’t seem very committed to it.”
What idiot called it Catfishing your Tinder Contacts and not Playing With Matches