Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.
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Every parent who has picked up a toddler and taken them away from a playground while they kick and scream and cry is legally allowed to put “bouncer” on their resume’s work history.
Jumps into shower
Shower : I have a boyfriend
Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?
No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.
*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?
My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc
“it’s just like riding a bicycle”
Oh cool the one vehicle I’ve crashed the most
What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?
If you look in your bathroom mirror & say “Donald Trump” 3 times, the hair in your shower drain rises up & starts yelling racist slurs.
11yo son just walked by.
If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.
I stand by it
If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.
I told my 2-year-old to find her shoes
She cupped her hands & yelled “Shoes, where are you?”
I’d help her, but I want to see if this works
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.
BREAKING NEWS …. Lisa on Facebook is so done with this week and now she is headed to Chili’s for some much needed margaritas with the gals ….
[first day as a bartender]
*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*
I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.
I lost my job today
“What? How?”
I just wasn’t a good housekeeper
“BUT YOU’RE A BEEKEEPER”
Well that explains all the screaming
Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Mom: Why?
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.
I wrote: You’ll always have a place in my heart.
AC sent: You’ll always have a place in my hearse.Now “staying friends” seems unlikely.
Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?
Food bloggers be like, “This is one of my go-to recipes but first here’s a Tolstoyesque tale about my grandmother, her friend Birdie, and the baking competition that threatened to tear apart a town before uniting it.”
When you make the mistake of leaving a big cozy pillow on the cat’s favorite chair, that pillow is gone daddy gone.
**both sitting at the pub having a beer**
Me: So. What’d you give up for Lent?
Friend: I gave up drinking.
Me:
Friend:
Me: No.
Friend: I gave up drinking standing up?
Me: Nicely done.
Friend: We should do shots to celebrate….
Whenever my turd splashes loudly in a restroom stall I play the sound of a baby crying on my phone and yell “it’s a boy!”.
A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded “I don’t post pictures of my food online” and I think she believed me.
Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…
Aw beans
We avoided this particular disaster
stop telling me to be the bigger person giants are shunned in our society