Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.
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When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.
Any ghost sophisticated enough to haunt a hotel is going to find the 13th floor whether you have an elevator button for it or not.
In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.
People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier
Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up
Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.
WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread
friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up
Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.
dude *scoffs like 7 times in a row* of course i’m not a virgin… i have lots of *starts readin hand, ink is hella smudged* secular intercom
Pro Tip: I’m not a pro. Don’t listen to my tips.
Latte is the most popular part of the pumpkin spice plant.
[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd
Why is it someone is always refinancing their mortgage in the self checkout in front of me?
Satan: Welcome to Hell.
Me: Dude! This is a tropical paradise! Bikini clad women. Alcohol as far as the eye can see.
Satan: I know, pretty sweet, right? Now, take this group of toddlers to the beach. For the day. All day. Everyday.
Me: Sonofa….
*jogging back to the house because I forgot something*
My Fitbit: are you ok? why are you running? do I need to call 911? ARE WE BEING PERSUED
Apparently my 6yo old son went to school with a Spiderman costume under his clothes. The students of Edison elementary are safe today
My dad shouted “shut up idiots” to the cats.
I told him “You’re speaking English to a cat. You’re the idiot. You have to meow at them.”
Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
Dog: You’re back!
Me: Yes
Dog: I missed you so much!
Me: Aww, that’s sweet
Dog: Seriously, I almost died of loneliness
Me: Okay, but I was in the bathroom for like a minute
Dog: DON’T. EVER. LEAVE. ME. AGAIN!
Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette
The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.
So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.
Having a bad vocabulary is very bad
So, this is how my day is going. How about you?
Can’t decide if I want to join a cult or a woodchipper.
Trump’s rhetoric has become even more disturbing and incendiary. Today he claimed “Burger King fries are as good as McDonald’s fries.”
My son is smart enough to hatch an elaborate plot to get out of going to daycare, but dumb enough to share his scheme with me in exhaustive detail. God bless toddlers.
Round 2… FIGHT
– me, handing one tablet to both kids