Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret

Scientist discovers largest prime number to date, when it was provided to him by a Spectrum customer service rep as a “confirmation number.”

A few hardest things to say:

“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”

“Worcestershire Sauce”

You don’t know rock bottom until someone tries to tickle your neck fat.

I think my neighbor is trying to domesticate a coyote.

I still cannot believe that we found a crab with these markings at Friday Harbor Labs this summer. We named it “Sad crab” and it now lives happily in a HUUUUUUUGE tank at @MarineBiol_FHL. Sad crab, I stan you.

Billion dollar idea: Tea bags that are actually wine bags. Slogan: You already act like you’re God, now turn water into wine like Jesus!

Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.

I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great

Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.

Sometimes I have my shit together, sometimes I eat an unidentified white substance out of my hair and am grateful when it’s frosting.

When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”

when your ex needs to go to space about it, you won the divorce

Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…

Me: I have a weekend immune system.

Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?

Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video

Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.

“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”

~Dogs probably

Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured

Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos

You know that pain which starts at your hip, runs down your leg, out the front door,and goes across the street to the bus stop… I’ve that.

okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw

@funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.

The Dalai Lama and Gandhi aren’t the same? I thought they were basically Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana. I feel like people are messing with me.

asking my bank if i can do extra credit

Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]

man: hey do you take walk-ins

cremator: excuse me what

I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.

Dr. to my 9 yr old son: So you’ll pee in this cup…
*9 starts giggling
Dr.:
9: We’re not allowed to say ‘pee.’
Me,rubbing my temples: We say ‘tinkle.’
Dr: E-
Me: YES EVEN THE ADULTS

Life is a balance as you age. You lose hair, hearing and keen eyesight but you gain insight, experience and a lot of weight. Bad trade.

I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.

remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza