My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.
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I have to admit, I never thought our son would go that far.
Me neither. This trebuchet is marvellous. Let’s get the cat.
#CatDay #RubbishJokes
#MondayMorning
Sure it was spent alone in a desert hut, but Obi Wan basically wore a bathrobe for 19 years and I have nothing but respect.
How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?
Please say 12 years
Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?
4-year-old: I won.
Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.
It’s just really offensive because you know my name isn’t THAT difficult to pronounce and its SO DISRESPECTFUL and I am OUTRA…
friend: your name badge is on upside down
I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.
I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.
“Is the library open today?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t close for Columbus Day?”
“We do not.”
“I think it would be appropriate to do something to honor Christopher Columbus.”
“You could announce that you’re going to come to the library but then accidentally go somewhere else instead.”
If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul
My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.
Inventing The Octopus-
God: *watching humans freak out over spiders on land* Hey you know what would be HILARIOUS…?
Everything is a big deal to kids, like the time a giant bird took my dad from the beach and dropped him way out in the water.
There’s a mom at the school pickup with a shirt that says “I don’t always whoomp, but when I do, there it is.” I think I love her
Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*
Boss: stop damaging the office walls!
Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.
When folks describe me as ‘a riot’, you might think it means I’m ‘fun and hilarious’. It really means I’m ‘broken glass and molotov cocktails’.
“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones
Me trying to walk in a dream
Me: She really needs to calm down.
Alcohol: You should tell her.
My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.
Float like a malevolent entity. Sting like a priest throwing holy water at you.
In the wake of inflation, and the conflict in Eastern Europe, the Germans are predicting a shortage of sausage and cheese. They’re formulating a plan for it, which they’re calling the würst/käse scenario
I remember reading an article about how Somali pirates had fallen on such hard times that their luxury cars were getting repossessed and all I could think was that a Somali repo man who takes cars back from pirates must be the toughest bastard on planet Earth.
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
My villain origin story? When my old apt neighbor (shared bedroom wall) set her alarm clock for the hr after she left for a WEEK LONG VACATION
Me: Sometimes I think I have more imaginary conversations than real ones.
Scarlett Johansson: That’s very interesting.
One time when we were eating breakfast at denny’s my grandma read an ancient mormon hex at the table & accidentally reverse baptized my denver omelette.