Find you a woman that looks at you the way my ex wife looked at my best friend, his brother, my stepdad, my bother-in-law, a handful of her coworkers, a group of bikers at the local bar that one time, that one dude who lived in the apartment above us…
Accidentally feng shui’d tonight when everybody wang chunged and I’ve never been more embarrassed. That lamp does look great there though.
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?
Me: * spends the day cleaning the house*
My kids: what have you done?!
I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.
I think someone broke into my apartment and took a bag of almonds.
I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.
You know…for fall…
Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
Worst ways to die
1. Burned alive
2. Suffocate
3. Die from frustration teaching your child to blow their nose
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.
*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*
Interviewer: Why do you want to work here?
Me: Revenge.
CLIENT: remember what i said
HITMAN: yeah make it look like my little brother
CLIENT: huh
HITMAN: an accident
CLIENT:
HITMAN: i do comedy too
CLIENT: are you any good
HITMAN: i always kill
CLIENT:
HITMAN: that was a joke
CLIENT: ah
Therapist: How are you feeling
Me: I think I’ve finally gotten over my agoraphobia. I’m ready to go outside and get on with my life 🙂
Therapist: Ok you’re not gonna believe this
Am I pissed my dad’s been gone for 25 years going to the store for “cigarettes”? Probably not as pissed as he is. The line must be out of control.
My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.
I’m going to go to the gym and then to eat a Doritos Loco Taco, because I like to keep my body guessing whether or not I hate it.
me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it’s dark messages.
me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what’s one rune reading among friends?
Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend
2025
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive
You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?
[inventing eggnog]
Exec: Gag them, but festively.
Dear Abby,
My pastor insists that being gay is wrong, yet he ends all his letters with the words “In Him”
Help!
Perplexed in Poughkeepsie
If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go
The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?
nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*hours pass*
My funeral better have a fkn merch table
