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Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.
*pulling up to toll both with megaphone in hand*
Booth operator: ma’am please not again
Me: someBODY once tolled me—
Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life
I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.
I’m bisexual, but I don’t currently have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.
You could say I’m on stand-bi.
“Dogs are assholes”
DOG PERSON: YOU’RE an asshole!
“Cats are assholes”
CAT PERSON: Yeah
We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?
a Classic™️that i have been reminded of..
A very blasé attitude by the stoic root vegetable in the face of its imminent death…
You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me
I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their Gods lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
My eyes: (seeing something in my peripheral vision)
OH MY GOD A GIANT BLIMP IS CRASHINNG OUT OF THE SKY AND HEADING STRAIGHT FOR OUR FACE
(one second later)
We’re getting a correction from the brain:
it is the world’s tiniest moth
me at the job i begged god for
me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they’re the size of Australia
Accidentally got in the 10 items or less line with 11 items again, so I made two separate transactions so I wouldn’t piss anyone off.
just found a grappling hook in my new apartment. now i have to backtrack to my childhood home so i can access the previously unreachable attic
*Tries to warm up car*
Car: I have a boyfriend
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
Ugh.
“What’s wrong honey?”
My bad knee is acting up again.
*knee robs a gas station*
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. Other symptoms of his alcoholism included violent rampages and chronic nausea.
Me: You are trespassing in my kingdom. If you don’t retreat, I shall have you removed!
Husband: I was just rolling over to spoon you!
Obi-Wan: it’s over, Anakin. i have learned how to stave off a mountain lion attack
Anakin: you underestimate my power
Obi-Wan; *raises arms above his head in order to appear larger, begins to scream*
Coworker: I need documentation for this project. It’s super urgent!
Me: Sure. Can you send me the details?
Ages pass.
Empires rise and fall.
Dolphins develop their own space program.
The old gods return.
The stars die out and the sky goes black.
Coworker: Here you go.
trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card
Wife: I’m growing some vegetables.
Me: What if the pig eats them?
Wife: Then I’m growing porkchops.
“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”
I was gonna complain about THE GODDAMN JACKHAMMERING THAT WOKE ME UP THIS AM
but it’s noon.
[first day as a doctor]
Welcome to the hospital! Can I take your order?