Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.

“I’d like to purchase some deodorant please.”

“The ball kind?”

“No, for under my arms.”

can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point

Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about

Rock Singer: I SAID, YOU READY TO HAVE A GOOD TIME? I CAN’T HEAR YOU!

Me: DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT WE DON’T HAVE MICROPHONES ON THIS SIDE?!

[date]
HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?

5: Let’s play house, mommy. You be the baby. I’ll be the mommy.

Me: OK

5: It’s night-night time. Go to sleep, baby!

Me: *Kicks, screams, fusses*

5: This isn’t how the game goes, mommy. I’m the mommy, so you have to listen.

Me: Oh, honey, this is *exactly* how the game goes.

WIFE: Every time I get close, I get hurt.

THERAPIST: Is this true?

PORCUPINE HUSBAND: *bristles* OF COURSE IT’S TRUE I’M A BALL OF NEEDLES

Haha! 😂

Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy

There are only 2 Canadian things I don’t like:
1) Celine Dion
2) Canadian geese

Guess which one is chasing me everytime I go outside.

Welcome to your 40s: here’s your ice pack.

Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy

A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.

Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?

My favorite exchange on Twitter today.

Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.

*sets down half eaten bag of potato chips on the elliptical*

*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial

Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on

Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.

Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.

I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies

If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles

did you know the official veterinary term for your cat eating something it shouldn’t is “dietary indiscretion” which absolutely sounds like a cat politician trying to downplay its irresponsible past

“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”

I feel it says all u need to know about me

“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”

Yes

I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.

If dogs have taught me anything, it’s that barking is a GREAT way to get rid of people you don’t want to speak to. Works for me EVERY TIME.