Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My son just blurted out “crazy that fish breathe a beverage” and then carried on talking about other stuff but I can’t stop thinking about it.

Your honor? My client would like to address the court and ruin everything.

My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.

Me: How much for the doggy in the window

Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here

Now who done made this a sport lmao

Someone: what have you been up to?

Me: thanks, you too.

I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up

if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel

On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.

medusa: look into my gaze

me:

dwayne johnson: did it do anything?

[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho

{Heaven}
ME: Hey, why didn’t you answer my prayers?
GOD: I did. Every time you said Goddamnit I damned it.
ME: Oh, no, that’s just—it’s like a saying.
GOD: Why would you even…I damned so much stuff!

Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.

Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.

Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you

good cop: don’t make me get the bad cop in here

bad cop: [pulling on the push door] almost got it

good cop: god he is so bad at everything

I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long

[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]

Make a banana annoying.

When people start a sentence with “believe it or not” I’m like wow, those are two very good options

I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.

Always use your best photos for your profile on FB.

Cause those are the photos the media will use if something horrible happens to you.

WIFE:
“At recess today, some kid named Billy told our daughter that he had butterflies in his stomach. Isn’t that adorable?”

ME:
”That Miller kid? He’ll eat anything.”

My husband walked into the kitchen and asked, “What’s burning?” I told him, “The world. But what you smell is the chicken.”

I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH other people at you.

Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.

As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.

It never fails: whenever I’m at a crime scene, analyzing blood spatter and bullet trajectories, someone always assumes I’m a CSI.

5-year-old: *pretending to be a T-rex* I’m going to eat you.

7-year-old: You can’t. It’s Lent.

When you see a picture of my kids and it’s captioned “The reason I wake up every day” it’s not me being sweet. It’s the truth, I literally cannot sleep-in with these little heathens in the house.

Me: how about we role-play?

Her: ooh you’ve been a bad boy, go sit on the naughty step for *checks time left on the show she’s watching* 23 minutes.