Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

last night I told my four year old I loved her and she said “I love you so much that if someone chopped your head off I’d carry it around forever in a bag”

Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.

I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.

It’s a good thing we invented calculus before we invented software patents otherwise every time anyone wanted to calculate the center of a mass we’d have to pay the Newton Estate like 12 cents.

I don’t get Twitter drama! I’m here to make friends, not argue

Me, 30 seconds later:

opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are

“So tell me more about yourse-PUT DOWN MY FRIES IF YOU WANT TO WALK OUT OF HERE WITH ALL 4 LIMBS INTACT.” – What not to say on a first date.

Killer: come out come out wherever you are

Me: *hiding*

Killer: omg what a cute puppy!

Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man

Good morning

Here’s one of the dumbest thoughts I’ve ever had: I got a coupon for a new car wash place, which was great because my car was really dirty. I noticed that the address was close to my house and thought: “Oh, this is close. Maybe I can just walk?”

I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.

Bootstraps

Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.

Thank you. I’ll be here all night.

nobody:

90’s boybands:

(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)

Friend: Can you drive me to work next week?
Me: What time?
F: 6 AM
M: 6 AM?! Hold on….
*pushes my car off a bridge*
M: I’m back. No.

My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.

I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.

when ppl hold the baby and the baby cries & parents say “oh he’s just tired,” we’re lying, the baby really does hate you

Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?

Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊

Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.

I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.

Mama? Is this true?!
#FewThingsAreMorePainfulThan

School – “Here is an amazing photo of the kids outside enjoying a beautiful spring day!”

Every parent – It would be amazing if my kid weren’t picking their nose

[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.

LOAN OFFICER: I’m just a little unclear on the details.

DAVE: What are you not getting? I have 3 adoptive sons that are musicians and also chipmunks. They are obviously quite small and thus require custom instruments, for which I need a loan. Why is this so complicated?

[I appear in 1985]

SCIENTIST: I have summoned you from the future with my time machine. What can you tell me of the years to come?

ME: Uh…hmm…uh…

SCIENTIST: You can’t think of anything?

ME: *snaps fingers, points at scientist* Nelly Furtado is like a bird

I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries

I’m writing a book about a future hurricane. It’s only a draft at the moment

Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.