My son had a side hustle of selling King’s Hawaiian slider sandwiches to his dorm mates. And you know kids these days and cash. We were seeing these $3 Venmos going in the account around midnight many weeknights. I had to finally just ask him and then I offered to partner up.
My house is like an Indiana Jones movie.
Partly because I walk around with a bullwhip, but mostly because of all the cobwebs.
I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off
[after explaining speed limit signs]
5: I like how you’re creative with speed limits
Dongle sounds like just one more thing in Australia that will kill you.
Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.
Interviewer: What do you have to offer our television news team?
Me: It’s something that could save your life. What is it? I’ll tell you tonight.
Interviewer: How soon can you start?
Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday.
Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.
Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)
911: 911, What’s your emergency?
Me: It’s John again.
911: John, seriously!!!
Me: I know. I know. Just an ambulance if possible. No cops.
mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?
Think I’m just going to tackle the next man who holds the door open for me and put a ring on him. Like we’re married now buddy, congrats
Thank God I never know what anyone is talking about
At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
Dreams at each age:
15: one day I’ll find great love.
20: one day I’ll become a great person.
25: one day I’ll make the world great.
35: one day I’ll throw out all my Tupperware at once, and buy a bunch of different sizes but all with the same lid.
Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.
Then tell the lion.
My grandmother found my original Strawberry Shortcake doll from the 80s and it still smells delicious and I’m wondering what kind of chemical warfare substance N perfume they put on these dolls back in the day that it has lasted for so long.
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest accomplishment?”
Me: “I was in a lot of people’s MySpace Top 8s back in 2004.”
me: *walking my dog*
her: ah, what’s he called?
my dog: john
Stop = Hammer time
Full stop = Grammar time
Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken
GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet
Dude next to me in Oppenheimer kept sighing and then pretending to cover his eyes for like two seconds every time Florence Pugh showed up naked. He’d cover them, immediately look again, and then sigh like “she’s still naked??” repeat
Wife: Been a long time since we went on a vacation.
Me: Great idea. Where do you wanna go?
Wife: Some place romantic. Paris.
Me: Ok. And I’ll go to Thailand.
i think the scariest thing about entering the witness protection program would be my new astrological sign
*waiting for food at drive-thru*
*sees food is ready*
*crawls through drive-thru window*
*pokes worker with my snow brush*
MY FOOD IS READY!
