Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors

I was told you have to wait an hour after you finish eating to swim. I didn’t know there was such a thing as an hour after you finish eating

He approaches me from behind and wraps his arms around me and I am breathless.

With one firm and quick thrust, he dislodges my food.

The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.

In the name of “Hell Kitty”, an army of children wages a bloody and unholy war.

“It was just a typo,” sobs Glenn, ex-Tshirt factory worker.

There we are, nodding away when my kid’s swim instructor gives her exercises to work on at home, like the big ol’ liars we are.

I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.

This year my wife and I decided to make each other handmade gifts for Christmas. She knitted me a hat and I made her a grilled cheese sandwich.

My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.

Facebook: Here are some people you may know
Me: I don’t know them
Facebook: Ok I’ll ask you again next time
Me: No, I still won’t know them
Facebook: ok lol
Me: I’m serious
Facebook: Haha ok
Me: You gonna stop it?
Facebook: *winks* yes
Me: Did you just wink?
Facebook: *winks* no

John Hammond: omg all the systems in Jurassic Park are down, give me advice

Ray: fine well you probably shouldn’t have opened this place. Actually I think your wife left because-

John Hammond: TECHNICAL ADVICE

Me: Who’s a good boy?

Dog: I thought we settled this.

No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.

The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…

[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!

Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.

How to get a job on Game of Thrones:

Q: Can you act?

A: Sorta

Q: Will you get naked?

A: Yes

HIRED!

i work as a dj on the side. i like to hide a speaker somewhere in the club and make it drown out my music with a home depot ad every five minutes. everybody runs around trying to shut it off, but no one can figure out where it’s coming from. my stage name is DJ ESPN’s Website

The princess and the pea

But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus

[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationery

philosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox

call me an overworked optometrist the way eye care too much

The hotel bartender said I couldn’t take my drink back to my room so I said, “But what if you just…let me?” and he didn’t have a real answer to that, so I’m in bed with my drink now.

Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.

Do Flat Earthers also believe the sun and moon are flat?

Like, is the entire solar system just a mismatched collection of space dinner plates?

He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.

I can’t believe the gall of this bladder.

Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.

the human has made quite the sandwich for lunch. but when i placed my chin on their knee. and looked up at them softly. they only offered me. a piece of lettuce. nobody talk to me. for the rest of the day

a lot of people afraid to put in hard work but I make my living the way my grandfather did and his grandfather before him. selling the same pigeon to the same guy over and over again because it keeps flying back to me.