Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: You need a shower
Me: The pressure’s too low
Wife: OK, have a shower or I’m taking the kids

i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.

the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab

Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom

Jesus: this is my body

disciples: *eat bread*

Jesus: this is my blood

disciples: *drink wine*

Jesus: I also made brownies

Judas: but I have diabetes

Jesus: huh. Well, isn’t this a shame *holds eye contact while eating a brownie* shame, shame, shame

I don’t know who needs to hear this today, but you are valued and you are loved.

Unless you talk on speakerphone in public.

In which case, everyone hates you.

Don’t tell your friend you like her sweater unless you mean it; she might knit you one.

When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”

HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA VALUE YOUR FRIENDSHIP TOO MUCH TO RUIN IT WITH SEX. SURE, YOU’RE ATTRACTIVE, THEY JUST DON’T SEE YOU IN THAT WAY

Her: What’s that account pin again?

Me: 051598

Her: Our wedding anniversary?

Me: Yes…they recommended for security purposes that I pick a number that’s insignificant.

Her:

Me: (immediately starts vacuuming)

Doug is just Canadian for dog

wife: can you stop messing around
lawyer: im not
wife: just read my husband’s will please
lawyer: that’s what it says.. “oOoOoh im a ghost”

Girlfriend left a note on the fridge “this isn’t working, you take everything too literally”.

She’ll be so happy when she sees the new one.

The closest I’ll ever come to performing in the circus is standing on a swivel chair trying to reach the vodka I told my friend to hide.

casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet

Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.

I’m not a piece of shit. I’m the whole shit.

Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.

The weather forecast should include the percentage of answers blowing in the wind

😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

Here are 5 things you should know about me:

1. I’m very secretive

Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…

@truegritrumble @funTweeters The equivalent happened to my mate – he got a bag of carrots for his lunch, his daughter’s horse got his sandwiches

wife: I’m leaving you

me: is it because of my hobby?

wife: yes

me: but on friday february 8th 2018 at 8:17 pm I asked “Is it ok if I became a stenographer” to which you replied “thats fine” to which I replied “great” to which you replied “wait are you typing this right now?”

WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense

Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.

After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.

At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.

Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.