It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid
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You gotta Snapchat, dm, and text your girl all @ the same time. That way if you piss her off in 1 convo, you still have two lives left.
coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions
[Going through customs]
Anything to declare, sir?
1…2…
Sir, what are you–
3…4…I declare a thumb war!
Oh bring it on
*misses flight*
If you kill the question, what do you bury?
The question remains.
7yo: daddy did you know that the number eleven is odd?
me: yes
7yo: then why does it have the word even in it?
me:
A man said to a woman on tv that she’s ”candy for the eyes” and immediately my stupid mind made a stupid joke that all the candy I ever consumed was instead ”candy for the thighs”, and then I thought tweet it, girl, tweet it real good! You’re welcome.
At TGIF~
Caesar: I’ll have the salad.
Cleopatra: Me too. Its my salad day.
Waiter: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus *opens napkin*: Oh, great. No knife.
#Caturday
I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”
Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
Halfway through my stand-up routine I started getting heckled. The crowd shouted such insults as “This sucks” and “Stop it” and “Why are you doing this to us, Mom?”
A chicken running a marathon wears Ree-bokbokboks
“you’re odd”
“you are also odd”
“yes”
“so we’re even”
Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I’m 72
“I don’t have to outrun the bear! Just you!” Wrong. Bears are so sick of that joke, they skip the slow guy and eat the fast guy now.
Forget a boring old urn with my ashes, when I’m dead and gone I want my kids to display my shrunken head on the mantle
~mattress store
ME:i need to use the intercom
CASHIER:no
M:this time for real…my kid’s lost
C:
M:
C:fine
M:*to entire store*I SEE BED PEOPLE
Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.
My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now
It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display
i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it
i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds
added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.
It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
STOP SACRIFICING GOATS I NEVER SAID I WANTED GOATS
Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.
Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.
Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd.
I got a text from an unknown number that said “Game on.”
It’s either a wrong number, or someone wants to wear my skin like a suit.