Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[breathing]

“I could do this all day.”

When I was a kid there was this mattress commercial where a lady jumps up and down on the mattress next to a glass of wine, to show that it wouldn’t spill. So I tested it on my bed with orange juice, and then my bed low-key smelled like citrus for 10 years. Carry on.

me, age 21: *pulls an all nighter* yay!

me, age 37: *sleeps the whole night* yay!

*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL

Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.

*Extremely unpredictable killing machine is discovered*

Every bad guy in an action movie: We should CONTROL it and WEAPONIZE it

Being my friend is great because I will probably make you a lasagna at some point but terrible because I will make you listen to a five hour Spotify playlist

Had a dream Andrew Garfield & I were being chased & he started rubbing sand on my arm & I was like, “why?” And he was all, “it’ll help mate” but he was only rubbing one arm & then I woke up to my cat aggressively licking that arm cause he was hungry

I think they should use stronger sealant on cookie packaging so at least you get a decent workout before eating the entire box.

*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*

Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.

Toddlers and Tiaras: Fat, sexually frustrated soccer moms invest their husband’s money in ruining their daughter’s lives.

You are the pebble in my shoe of people.

Interviewer: Name some of your weaknesses.

Me: I procrastinate. Haphazard, cantankerous…

Interviewer: Strengths?

Me: Vocabulary?

We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.

My snack didn’t taste very good.

Now I’m gonna hafta cleanse the palate w a large buffalo chicken pizza for lunch

I know. Life’s tough.

My grandpa didn’t leave me a gold watch or a large insurance policy, he left me something much more valuable which he wore proudly, his super expandable waist Thanksgiving eating pants.

I’m a barista which means I have 100 boyfriends and everyday they each give me one dollar

Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.

Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?

I bought a Christmas tree today and the salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said no, I’m going to put it in the living room.

“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”

Please don’t tell my kids they haven’t got a pet chameleon.

Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remaining

Laptop after 20mins

If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???

People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.

When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.

do what now??

Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad