Utility company website: Are you a bot?
Me: No, but if there are bots trying to pay my utility bills, mind your own business.
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The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.
Good night cop: Want the light on or off? Sweet dreams kiddo.
Bad night cop: You will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep.
my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell
Current beard: Outdoor woodsman
Current body: Indoor couchman
My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?
Waiter, there’s a spider in my pie. I thought you had an “award winning chef”
*waiter points to MOST CUSTOMERS KILLED BY PIE SPIDERS trophy*
If microbiologists are so smart then how did they end up so tiny?
[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
I am a:
⚪️ boy
⚪️ girl
🔘 dormant ancient forest spiritseeking a:
⚪️ lover
⚪️ friend
🔘 mortal to accidentally open a cursed text and release me from my slumber to seek revenge on those who sought to bind my power
Refused to mow my grass because I’m lazy and it got so high that my neighbor did it because he is trying to sell his house and needs the neighborhood to look good for potential buyers so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you ignore them
If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.
kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it
[murder scene]
detective: “she drown?”
cop: “after a blow to the head”
d: “what’s he doing?”
me: [trying to draw chalk outline on river]
The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles
*pours wine*
*sprinkles rose petals*
*dims lights*
*puts on Barry White*
*lights candles*
*burns incense*
*arranges scented oils*
*opens private tab in browser*
On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?
Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?
ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile
CELLMATE: no
Sure I’ll donate my bone marrow, what are you making, broth?
Judas: The one I kiss is Jesus Christ.
Soldier: You can just point to him.
Judas: (putting on lip-balm) I don’t tell you how to do your job.
*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*
Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich
[at TED talk]
OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor?
*entire crowd stands*
No a MEDICAL doctor
*entire crowd sits*
Sometimes I think about when a woman told me I did it the easy way having twins and I didn’t kick her in the crotch.
No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.
Therapist: what’s your biggest issue with your husband?
Wife: he gives me no privacy
Me: [tapping on window from outside] that’s not true
Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;
And the way I did it.
Mom, look at my diarrhea.
— My 5yo holding up the diary I bought him at his school’s Scholastic book fair