Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.

just found out the nhs had my height down as 88cm instead of 1.88 metres and now wondering if my early vaccine was because they thought i was a short dangerously large man

The problem with honey is that I could be in a hazmat suit watching a show about someone in Australia just looking at a jar of it and it would still wind up all over me.

Fight

If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.

Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind

Walked out of the hospital with my newborn daughter on Friday to go home. Got outside, she took one look around, smirked and rolled her eyes. I couldn’t help but think… “she’s already smarter than me.”

A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.

canadian assassins are called killergrams

Wolves should really raise more people.

The climate is probably out here trying to change for some man. Just be yourself, girl.

ME: We’re adopting a baby!

FRIEND: Congrats! Will you need my old baby gate?

ME: [considers summoning a baby] Nah, we’ll get one from this dimension

ME: nice fanny pack u weirdo

KANGAROO: *puts phone in pouch, pulls out a knife*

ME: holy shit

I keep having this dream where an old, floating man with a giant, white beard is commanding me to build a giant hazmat suit, big enough to contain my entire family and two of every animal of the world. Wierd, I know!

new tattoo]

them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque

[after 50 people had asked]

them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel

Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.

toothpaste ads are like do you want your teeth to look so good it makes your friends feel like shit? and ppl be like hell yeah i do

Someone called me
yesterday and said,
“Hello, is this Ross”
I said ” no it’s Chandler”
And they hung up.

So much for trying to
be Friends.

Parents please check your kids’ Halloween candy. Just found an orca inside of a Hershey bar. Stay safe this Halloween.

Me: I signed my son up for an appointment with a child psyhcologist

Doctor: That’s me

Me: but you’re an adult

Doctor: and a child psychologist

Me: how

just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 😭😭

These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.

Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.

High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am

My college professor:

*walks up to cashier with paper towels*

Are these the largest tampons you have?

Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?

ME: [holding door for wife]

WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?

Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.

My son can play any song by ear on the piano.

I can sort items for the recycling bin.

My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.