a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’
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“a perfectly placed emoji is better than good punctuation.. ”
said No Teacher ever
Me: Is anyone gonna eat this?
Them: That’s a baby.
Me: *rolling my eyes* that’s why I asked first.
Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
I don’t eat some foods.
-vagueans
My husband walked into the kitchen and asked, “What’s burning?” I told him, “The world. But what you smell is the chicken.”
Nothing can destroy your good opinion of a company quicker than working for them.
“Despite my best efforts, my hot air balloon just isn’t going to fly.”
“Dude, that’s a bike with a blanket on it.”
“My best efforts.”
According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch
but I can’t throw my chair at him
villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond
james bond: UNO!
villain: shit
Nothing, just needed to stretch my legs.
Yo mama so fat she plays Temple Walk.
DATE: So tell me something about yourself
ME: I like to call frozen burgers ‘brrrgers’
HER: I need to see other people
Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.
Historians: so we’re gonna name this war the 80 years war
Me: so that means it lasted 80 years right
Historians: you FOOL. you utter buffoon. You ignorant being
Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!
Job interviewer:…and a weakness?
I told my kid if he plays my drums again there will be repercussions
And send
Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler.
Me: …I thought her arm was on fire.
Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes.
me: well, one time i was in a team drinking race with some friends. we fell behind, so I started chugging double pours and we ended up winning a hard fought battle.
Interviewer: um ok, and weaknesses?
*holds up 2 ties*
which one, I have a big meeting today
“both are nice”
[wife calls later]
“how’d it go”
well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
BREAKING: Dressed as Cat, Jared Leto Pushes Fellow Attendees Off Table at Met Gala
me: I need to learn about clams
librarian: you can find them under C
me: I need to learn more than that
My niece told me there was a cute guy checking me out at the coffee shop. So naturally I kept my head down when I passed him and banged my elbow on the way out
Imma just leave this here…………
Interviewer: It says here on your resume you can make chicks laugh, how?
Me [holding a chick in my hand & tickling it]: I’m a miracle worker
They should have to tell you that there will be a 20-parent group text when you’re signing your kids up for little league.
Today will be the day I finally tell my friend that “touche” isn’t pronounced like “douche.”
Frustrated with my 23 y/o daughter I said, “God, give me patience” and she replied, “when you ask for patience, God doesn’t magically give it to you. He gives you opportunities, like this one, to become more patient” and now she’s grounded until she’s 40