I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap
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Did the Bermuda Triangle just stop working one day? Why does no one spontaneously combust anymore? What happened to all the quicksand???
When someone says, “I can’t believe how cool the mornings are getting,” I picture the morning with greased-back hair and a leather jacket.
WARNING: My kids were in the water all day yesterday.
None of them got out for a bathroom break.
Until further notice, Lake Michigan is CLOSED.
My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.
“were u & mommy wrestling naked last night?”
haha no honey ur mom & i were just playing
*pulls wife aside* DID U TELL HER ABOUT FIGHT CLUB?
It doesn’t matter what’s behind you, keep moving forward at your own pace, you’ll get there..
Unless it’s flashing lights behind you ..then floor it and hope they don’t catch up…
Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral
*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
[after sex]
Me: is that a tattoo of Sebastian the crab?
Her: yeah, I love crabs
Me: then I have some GREAT news!
My son was so sweet this morning. He took the garbage and recycling out without being asked, so I really think we’re turning a corner on this grouchy morning teen thing.
In unrelated news, my son asked for $20 right before he left for school.
ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus
Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.
Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.
Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round
Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged
I’m pretty much a SAHM now and someone asked me the other day, “so what do you do with all your free time now?” Ummm, I guess I just nap. And after a long nap, I like to squeeze in a short nap. Then the butler arrives & makes dinner while I ride my unicorn around fairyland.
therapist: so, how are you feeling?
me: i’m feeling ok
therapist: great! let’s ruin that feeling by unearthing some childhood trauma
I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.
BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!
ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!
What idiot made dessert forks smaller than dinner forks?
High school teachers: “Your college profs aren’t going to be as lenient as we are.”
College profs: “Sorry I’m late I didn’t want to come.”
Priest: You may now kiss the bride.
Me: Do I have to?
And after all these years, she *still* won’t admit how funny that was.
“Ham with pineapple is delicious, so why not on pizza?” The executioner throws the torch on the pyre, without strangling me first.
If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.
I think the main issue with ‘The Hunger Games’ is that while her life is at stake, boy problems are still presented as legitimate threats.
I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.
[Starbucks]
ME: [bursts in] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT LARGEBARISTA: [shrugs]
ME: [sigh] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT VENTI
B: *grande screaming noises*
When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?