Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”

Potatoes:

Why are there no bring your friend to work days so that they can see you have a serious job and do serious things for a living

Thelma and Louise driving off a cliff, but it’s just me holding my friend’s hand until the scary part of the car wash is over

{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.

Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate

I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.

Daddy, where do bananas come from?

Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…

I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.

[Movie Theater]
ME: I’ll take a medium popcorn.

CASHIER: For just $2 more you can get it in a tub so big no human could actually finish it.

ME: No thanks.

CASHIER: It comes with free refills.

ME: I do like free refills…

[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”

Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.

The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding

If you love someone, set them free.

When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.

ME: you have to go to college
SON: but why though?
ME: to be able get nice things *shows him my watch* you see this?
SON: yeah
ME: I stole this from my roommate freshman year

i’m so bad at identifying internet scams. i’ll get an email that will literally say something like “click this link to send us your social security number and bank info and we’ll steal all your money” and i’ll be like “what could they mean by that?”

WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?

ME: They should call the receipt the cashier gives you a ‘buyography’ and the one from the self-checkouts an ‘autobuyography’.

HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’

Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.

men: i like the natural no makeup look

me: that natural look took more makeup than bozo the clown

Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing

The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…

“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”

– Corporate ants.

This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.

There’s no “i” in team. Unless you’re illiterate. Then there’s an “i” in everything. More creim in mi cofii pleis

I once put a baby in adult clothing and placed him on my desk with a water bottle labeled “fountain of youth” right next to him.

Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now

Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.

This could be us but you keep mumbling about your dignity.

I’ll start the new year off with my favorite joke from 3rd grade:

Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?

Because they have such big fingers.

Happy New Years, friends. Let’s try to make it to the next one too…

I showed my 4 year old a picture of myself with her brother when he was little. “Aww,” she said, “you looked so young back then.”