4: mom can I sing just a short song?
me: yes
4: ok its only just three hours long I promise
narrator: it was in fact, only just three hours long
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Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.
Heyyyyyyyyyyyo lol 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😏🥴🤦♂️🤷♂️
I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.
One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.
Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.
Just saw a toddler running past my house waving a red flag with their mom chasing after them and I’ve never seen a more accurate depiction of parenthood.
An old boyfriend hearted my picture on Facebook instead of just liking it, so I was wondering what we should name our kids.
Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient
me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*
her: don’t bite my lip
Sorry I changed your ringtone to Salt-N-Pepa’s “push it” and called you a bunch of times during your colonoscopy.
Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.
Her: Hey, look at my selfie! I went to have my hair & makeup done today.
Me: So, they were closed?
Her:
Taylor Swift on shuffle is like “You turned me into an inside-out monster I’ll kill you if you don’t kill me first” and then four minutes later “just kidding I am a cowgirl who is eleven.”
I accidentally gave my newborn Muscle Milk instead of formula and now he’s blasting Pantera and doing one arm pull-ups off his crib
Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”
5 “Trying to pull it out.”
Me “That’s going to hurt.”
5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”
The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG
My neighbors, leaf blowing Larry and tile cutting Tim, are in the midst of a noise war, so I blasted “Let it Go” and won.
Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween
-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31
Oh my god don’t get heckled by British soccer fans. I didn’t even do anything and 150 of them just chanted my bank login and password back to me to the tune of Wonderwall. Are you kidding me
My 4yo came home carrying a bunch of rocks. I was like “where are those rocks from?” And he goes “Pangea” which I guess isn’t wrong but I would like him to be more specific.
I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.
Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth
My husband pissed me off again, so I put Miracle Gro in his weed killer.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation and don’t have to get up.
Me: [starts learning how to juggle saucepans]
Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”
Top advice for résumés: Be VERY careful with placement of dashes.
Ex. – First-hand job experience = good.
First hand-job experience = bad.
CEO of KFC: “We must always respect our customers. That is so important.”
Ian: “Shall we still serve them food in a bucket?”
CEO: “Yes.”
finally sold everything that reminded me of my ex. kinda nice, I got $20 for her clothes, $50 for her tv, and $100 for our kid