Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.
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When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.
If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?
please sir. i beg of you. don’t take away my job. i’ve got a tuscan kitchen & 2 full baths at home. sir. sir please. my kitchen. it’s tuscan
Someone asked me how much I normally spend on a bottle of wine.
Answering “usually an hour” wasn’t the right answer. I know this now.
straight girls are like “I think my boyfriend’s the Riverside Strangler, but besides that he’s great!”
Please be delicate with me I’m built like a Nature Valley bar
I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”
A Person Who Cares has informed me there’s a helium shortage, which I knew.
She said “it’s not just for balloons,” which I also knew.
She asked me if could even name three other uses for helium, which I did.
It was a tough day for A Person Who Cares.
CONCERT
AC/DC: Who’s ready to be Thunderstruck?
CROWD: *screams
ME: [from front row] IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!
When you get a “Your Package Has Shipped” notification as soon as a shipping label is created that’s like the business equivalent of sending a “I’m walking out the door now!” text when you just got out of the shower.
My father has many healthy goats. All this can be yours.
What essential oil do you use to make your teenagers calm down? Is it chloroform?
The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head
This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married
Bartender: What will you have?
Me: Whiskey
BT: Straight?
Me: Except for that one time in college.
BT:
Me:
BT:
Me: How ’bout them Red Sox?
How can a cemetery raise its burial charges and blame it on the cost of living?
My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.
Facebook marketplace is a different world
Ok, so there’s “senior’s parking,” and “expectant mothers parking” at the grocery store.
Where is the parking for “Undermedicated, on a short fuse and probably shouldn’t be out in public?”
DOCTOR: You only got one body. You should take care of it.
ME: If I only got one body, I should probably use it up. Really run it ragged.
DOCTOR: …
ME: Get my money’s worth.
Getting ghosted would be awesome if it meant that your Tinder date was simply replaced by an actual ghost and instead of awkwardly sipping a coffee, you had to work with the ghost to solve a series of riddles to figure out how they died.
[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]
“Who are you eating?”
Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?
Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.
Wife: You want to run a business?
Me: Business?
Spoiler alert: The people who can’t believe your kid is in Kindergarten already won’t be able to believe they’re in any grade, any year ever
Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up
Them: you smell nice
Me: thanks, it’s the dryer sheet I just found in my sleeve
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town
[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.