Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m terrified of all my friends with babies learning that I’ve separately texted each of them: “Wow! That’s the best baby I’ve ever seen!”

I sexually identify as the toaster you want to bathe with.

If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”

me: this is my horse mayo

friend: why did you call him that?

mayo: [neighs]

Me: I have an imaginary gf.

Therapist: U can do better than that.

M: I know, it’s just–

T: I was talking to her.

It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale

I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka

Me: coming to the office Xmas party?
Steve: no [whispers] Lisa just lost her father
Me: there’ll be like 50 of us there. We’ll help you look

[heaven]
ME: Lord?
JESUS: My son
ME: I have an important question
JESUS: I know…The meaning of life is f-
ME: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?

Him: “I’ve seen people cry at weddings, but not the rehearsal dinner.”

Me: “I usually don’t cry…but these potatoes are just so awesome!”

I shot a man in Reno just to watch him dry

(I used a water pistol)

*getting murdered*

WAIT!!!!!!!
*buys new underwear and put them on.*
*flosses*
*sets phone on fire*

Okay, proceed.

I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.

ME: [holding door for wife]

WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?

I just coughed so loud the neighbors set their house on fire and drove away.

[Doing a crossword quiz]

Wife: what is an exclamation of impatience. 6 letters.

Me: “faaark”?

Introducing WifeChat™ the app where you talk to your wife

If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.

The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.

You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?

A book.

Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER

Nothing takes longer than the Amazon truck, that is 4 stops away

My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.

I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.

him: anything to declare

me: i don’t really like soup

everyone else in customs: [GASP]

Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?

Maybe call your family “Team” for like 14 years. Then one day say “There’s no ‘I’ in team!” and move to a foreign country with a prostitute.

That lamp looks PISSED.

My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.

teacher: class, today we learn about the birds and bees

class: OOOOH

[opens hawk cage]

class: AAAHHH

[calls principal]
RELEASE THE BEES

A relationship is like a shark, it looks better on TV