bird 1: uh oh
bird 2: don’t worry he only has one stone
You Might Also Like
Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32
Raccoons use their hands more than any animal, so they’re basically the Italians of nature.
[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together
*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”
Interview Tip #3
speak with confidence but don’t oversell yourself
[later]
Interviewer: what makes you think you’d be good for this role?
Me: *confidently* nothing
once again, i have fallen for life’s biggest scam: being two hours early for a flight only for security to take roughly seven minutes
me: do you take walk-ins
dude at the crematorium: what
My attachment style is PDF which is why older people don’t know how to get me to open up half the time
ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
Always end a conversation with “gotta run” so people think you’re into fitness
Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.
Movie theater: Please silence your phones.
Me, who hasn’t taken my phone off silent since 2012: *double-checks*
If you marry someone a few years older, one thing they love is when any classic rock song comes on and you ask “Is this Led Zeppelin?”
Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.
But I stand by my advice.
thinking of starting a true crime podcast. gotta explain this search history somehow
What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!
You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.
What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!
older woman => young dude: cougar
older man => young women: manther
older man => younger men: faguar
older woman => younger women: sheetah
I love using food in the bedroom!
But, when it comes to wearing a condiment…
I mayo may not.
Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.
Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.
– Alien Vs Creditor.
The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality
When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.
*tattoo parlor*
ARTIST: What do you want?
ME: Surprise me
*He tattoos the word ‘hiccup’*
ME: Why did y-
ARTIST: BOO!
*the tattoo disappears*
Them: You’ve changed.
Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.
My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.
Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.