Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it

– me, plugging in a USB

Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.

You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.

There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.

Wife: It’s time for a vacation.
Me: Where do YOU want to go?
Wife: Hmm… Maybe the Bahamas?
Me: Great idea! And, I’LL go camping upstate!

*Refuses to go to the gym

Adds resistance training to workout list.

*weird horror movie sounds*

me: it’s okay, it was just the cat

cat: ah hell nah

me: what?

demon: meow?

here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.

it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.

I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.

[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care

Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)

A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”

Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.

HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling

I’m giving up sex for lent mostly because I’m not having any anyway so it seems like the easiest and most logical choice for this journey.

I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work

HR: Can you explain this??

Me: I thought it was CORNhub, with recipes on how to make delicious corn and corn related dishes

Accountant: So you didn’t have traditional income most of the year but your investments and holdings still earned you $9,000,000

Papa John:

Accountant: 831,000 pizzas. You’ll owe about $2,800,000 in taxes

Papa John: And that’s…

Accountant: *sighs* 258,000 pizzas

Ruby Tuesday lures you in with the promise of “bottomless fries” but then escorts you out with “you have to wear pants in here”.

if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off

SHAME ON YOU LOT for showing newby tweeters bad behaviour this weekend

*ring ring*
ME: Hello
FRIEND: Nat. Why is my son saying the F Word?

This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.

You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.

[About to have sex]
Girl: Do you have a condom?

Me: Yeah

*bird screaching*

Girl: I said condom not condor

Me: *taking condom from bird’s beak* Good boy Rory.

Girl:

Me: Don’t you feel stupid now?

Left
Right
Left
Left-er
Quick right
Squeee!
Left
Up
Down
Left
Right
Squeee!
Right
Up

– squirrels

Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.

And none of them ever call me again.

If I was a girl named Isis, I’d be pissed that half the people decided to change my name to Isil.

When the girl working the counter says “would you like fries with that?” say..”are you calling me fat??” then burst into tears. Free meal.

Doctor: [puts my arm in a sling]

Me: wait—

Doctor: [fires my arm out the window]

Me: wtf

Doctor: [shouting out the window] next time it’s a leg STAY OUT OF MY PARKING SPACE

Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.