If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?
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I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.
Starbucks? Yes I’d like a tepid mug of milk froth please. My name’s Adam, but you can call me Aldin.
70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
Them: hello! we’ve been trying to reach you about your extended warranty
Me: cool – first let me tell you about my podcast!
(Line goes dead)
*TRAFFIC GOING 60 MPH IN A 65 BECAUSE A COP IS DRIVING 60*
ME (passing the cop at 61 and not breathing at all): I feel alive.
It’s nice that friends keep picking up my kids for play dates.
It’d be even nicer if they’d stop bringing them back home.
my dog when i have a friend over
what do you want!!!!!!!!
most librarians are not supportive of me practicing mime despite 𝘤𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘭𝘺 adhering to the volume guidelines
Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you’re alive
Me: can I just text them
I can smell what the neighbour is grilling but I’ll still yell over “what’s for dinner tonight”? and he’ll say “burgers” and then I’ll say “smells good”.
Why did Star Wars Episodes 4, 5 & 6 come out before 1,2 & 3?
Because in charge of directing, Yoda was.
My dog wakes up at 4:30 every morning so he can take a nap by 6.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a disappointing sandwich.
Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.
That’s it.I’m out.
“Woah woah hey woah”
[me attempting to breakup a fight]
Bear knowledge
If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room
Daughter: *calling up the steps
Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.
Me: *appears wearing just a toga
All set.
People who think all witches are women and all doctors are men must be really confused by witch doctors
Charlotte’s Web is the book that inspired a generation of vegetarians. It’s true. I read it when I was 7 & I haven’t eaten a spider since
I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now
5yo came in, threw his backpack down and said “holy melancholy.”
Me: rough day, buddy?
5: I need a glass of milk. Now.
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I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.
Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.
Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!
barber: your hair is so dry
pavlov: i forgot to condition it