Is fake venison called venisn’t
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I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.
I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.
Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”
[5 minutes later]
“twice”
Is there anything more embarassing than saying you are logging out for awhile only to return ten minutes later? No.
Will that stop me from doing it? Also no.
I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.
i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
I think I look pretty okay for my age. It’s just when I hold menus two feet from my face that I know the ruse is up.
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
My husband did a load of dishes and folded a load of laundry and then complained that I didn’t even notice and I laughed so hard I almost coughed up a lung.
I don’t trust kids as far as I can throw them. Currently my record for trusting a kid is 6 feet 11-1/4 inches.
Haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching a priest use a crucifix to break up a fight between a raccoon & a telephone repairman?
I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.
I told my vodka about you.
5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.
*pushes their faces together*
Me: Did they kiss and make up?
5: No. She headbutted him.
People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle
Worst reasons to wake up to a strange voice at 3am:
1. home intruder
2. haunting
3. bluetooth speaker lady complaining she wants more power
Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.
For real 🤣
“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.
How to cure a headache
1. Drink a glass of water.
2. Take 10 deep breathes.
3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.
Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.
I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?
Throwing a baby shower isn’t actually that hard. For a start, it’s much lighter than a regular shower.
It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.
Do your part as a parent by helping prevent teen pregnancy.
Let your child play the tuba.
Tuba players never get laid.
Customer: can you help me?
Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?
Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…
…it’s just me, taking the stairs
I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.
Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.
i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.
i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.