Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Told my 8yo he had to go outside and play for awhile before he was allowed to play more playstation

He refused because, “That’s bribery, Dad!” 😂

*First Passover*

The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS

My kids caught me eating candy and they both took turns interrogating me trying to get me to tell them where the candy stash is, but I ain’t no snitch I ain’t telling them shit!

My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.

Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.

Please send me love and light I went on a walk today and I nodded + smiled politely at someone but they were a Halloween decoration.

Shuffling into the kitchen in a robe Sunday morning to change the clock on the microwave is the lamest form of time travel ever.

[creating humans]
God: They will have a powerful immune system
Assistant: Boring
God: ok some will die from eating a peanut
A: Nice, nice

I don’t want to speculate about the royal baby’s name, but I’m pretty sure it will start with #.

genie: what is your first wish

me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice

genie: [kermit the frog voice] why

When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.

I know that now.

My kid just told me that the 10/10 I got on an attractiveness scale is “just a totally random number and doesn’t actually mean anything”, if you’re in the market for an assassin.

If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.

Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?

Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.

Him- I saw you over here sipping your wine.
Me- You clearly have me mistaken for another very attractive woman, because I don’t sip wine.

How people walk when they’re:

DATING *holding hands*
ENGAGED *arms locked*
MARRIED *one person is 5 feet in front of the other and yelling back at them for parking so far away*

Please continue finishing your text in the crosswalk, Mr. Pedestrian. It’s not like I’m driving a giant metal instrument of death.

“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.

ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?

DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before

Me: Heeeeyyyyyy Judy, good morning!
*scratches Judy’s back, wiping off my Cheeto fingers*
Judy: Hi!!! How are y…..
Me: *walks away*

[future]

Kid: Grammar and spelling are stupid, dad! Why do I have to learn them anyway?

Me: Internet arguments, mostly

Oh, your kids sit down and eat dinner? That’s cool. Mine perform interpretive dance in the kitchen while their food gets cold.

“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”

I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.

[experiment to see if infinite monkeys on infinite typewriters will produce the complete works of shakespeare]

scientist 1: well?

scientist 2: close a few times sir, but someone keeps adding question marks to everything

s1, over loudspeaker: curious george to the front please

Well, you know when you start cooking something & go to check Twitter real quick?

Fireman: ….

{Twirls hair} Can I try on your fancy hat?

It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer

My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*

Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*